Our Sweet Wiley Sue: Forever In Our Heart

A FEW THINGS: PART 3.

I informed my daughters by text because I didn't think I could tell them without crying. My husband and two sons aren't really asking me about anything and I am assuming they are sensing that Wiley is gone. I will deal with it soon.

Tonight I had Parent/Teacher conferences. My anxiety levels were through the roof. So much that I had to pull over a few times and breathe. As soon as I arrived at the school I was approached by something that I was really not wanting to discuss. And I was informed that I had an attitude. So I drove to my mothers house and sat for awhile. I then went back to the school and I attended the conferences and I just felt like I was just being stared at. Geez...I am really sorry I wasn't the freaking awesome woman you usually see in the halls of the local High School--I barely want to leave my house right now because EVERY TIME I get into my car I relive what happened on the terrible Monday morning. So if you think I have an attitude just talk to mom and let her tell you the stories of when I REALLY had an attitude. And instead of walking past me giving me interesting looks why don't you just STOP and ask me if I am OK. How about THAT?

Tonight I realized I'm pretty angry with God. And before I say this...to my Pastor friends...save me the scripture. I know the scripture, read the scripture and preached the scripture. I'm angry with God. I've been thrown dodge balls and wrenches my entire life. Constant family issues, narcissistic control that led to a PTSD diagnosis, controlled decisions made about my life that I had no say in, mental health issues, depression, friends that have screwed me over left right and sideways, car accidents, adjustments with having my kids go into adulthood and leaving the nest, choosing between being the mom and being friend. Putting on a fake smile so no one knows how pissed off I am because not one thing has been simple...NOT ONE. And for the last year it has been one thing after another. Like the man upstairs is getting a kick out of it. And through all this CRAP I've tried to handle it like a boss because I can do anything. I can handle anything. And today happened. The dog that kept me sane through the insanity was bumped by my car..bumped by me, hurt by me. Wiley didn't come home tonight. And all I could hear was "handle that". Well I can't. I lost my companion... and now the grief comes, and handling my kids grief, and handling my guilt, and handling everything. Because I can't just get a freaking break. I've had my faith, I have tried to pinpoint the miracles and the positives of my life and celebrate them, I have told others that life will get better. I have distanced myself from crappy people, I have done EVERYTHING to make my life/my kids life better through the cloud of crap handed to me. And my reward is losing my dog. I'm pissed. I'm dropping out of this class God has insisted I be in. I've taken mental breaks from a lot of people. I'm officially taking a mental break from God. I'm broken, I'm angry, and I am tired.

Until next time--Kristi