Pivot

 A FEW THINGS--

I am in the process of reading a book called "Pivot." I have to admit all I could think of is that episode of "Friends" where Ross is screaming "Pivot" while moving a couch. Unfortunately this book had nothing to do with proper ways to move a couch upstairs. 

I have read my share of self help books. Some I have absolutely loved, and some I have hated. This book just about put me back in therapy. It shouldn't have--but it did. This book is a five week course that explores the Pivot concept. 1. Perspective 2. Intuition  3. Vision 4. Obstacles  5. Tactics. I would be lying if I told you I completed this book in five weeks. I am still on week 2. As week 1. threw me so hard that I needed a quick mental tweaking. 

Week 1 dealt with core values. What do I stand for? Now I have done Core Value activities before. Only I lied to myself when I had the results--because I didn't like the results. I will get to that in a moment. So I did the core values activity and once again--I got results I didn't like but chose to not ignore them this time. 

My core values are.

1. Love

2. Connection

3. Family

4. Growth

5. Creativity and Innovation

I know, I know...you are thinking these really aren't bad. I agree...but there is so much bad linked to them and that is why I struggled with these core values.

Love--Love is such a bad word for me. It is my drug of choice. I love...Love. There wasn't a time in my life where I didn't crave love. To be loved. To be loved back. I also loved the wrong people, took advantage of love, threw away love, hoarded love, allowed good love, allowed bad love, begged for love and walked away from love. Love is linked to so much good and so much bad that I don't want it to be a core value.

Connection--I also love connection. This is 100% of the reason I won't walk away from social media. I live in the middle of nowhere, my husband trucks, three of my four kids are adults and the reality is--I get lonely. I am somewhat lonely by choice however I am also lonely because I am not sure I well ever recover from what has been said about me. I crave connection. But again--it is linked to so much negativity. I feel I will NEVER get away from my reputation. From my childhood reputation of being this bratty, bitchy girl with a terrible attitude to the reputation I have NOW which is a split between being a worthless human being with an attitude, to a gold digging bitch who just married for money, to a person who is a good friend--I try to be a good friend anyway. So--like love--connection is linked to so much good and so much bad--that I don't want it to be a core value. 

Family--do I really need to go there? I was born into a fucked up family--I was raised in a fucked up family. I married into a family with fucked up issues. I raised my kids in a fucked up household. I am in therapy because of how fucked up my fucked up family is and how much all of this has fucked me up. It has taken YEARS to heal. YEARS to heal my kids. YEARS to dump the toxic family members. YEARS to break chains. YEARS. YEARS to maintain relationships with non toxic family members. YEARS to set up boundaries. YEARS to finally say--I am sorry. So having family as a core value--is really not sitting well with me. The emotions about family are still very raw. I don't want it to be a core value.

Growth--I feel like a stunted pepper plant. I am flowering--but I am not making peppers. I feel like there are areas that I have blossomed in especially when it comes to mental health. And then there are the areas where I am just frozen in fear. I am very frustrated being 47 years old and literally starting over when it comes to a career, relationships, friendships, and feelings. I was on the fence about this being a core value.

Creativity and Innovation-- The only core value I was ok with. I love getting creative. If I wouldn't have walked the path I walked--I might have a career in marketing or advertising. It is something I have always loved. I think creativity is an amazing escape.

So--what is to be said about these core values? It says that these ARE my core values. After taking a step back to process I realized that I have worked hard to wrangle these core values in. I don't just throw my love around anymore. I try to make sure that my love is a positive thing. I no longer have a desire to connect with people who have chosen to cling to my reputation verses getting to know who I really am. My family has been sorted like cattle. Some are in the toxic pen, some are in the non toxic pen. I have an amazing relationship with my children. I have apologized to my kids. I feel I have mended the tears in our relationship. We have broken a lot of chains. All of this has lead to amazing growth. And being creative is just a little break I get in the madness of it all.  

As I have stated in past blogs, I will be leaving all my little side hustles in the next few years. Being done with everything at the age of 50 is the goal. So whatever path I walk next when it comes to my career, my relationships, my friendships, and my family. I plan to take these core values with me.

I will continue to love those that I work with even when it is difficult.

I will cherish the positive connections I have made.

Some will become family. Some will not.

I will continue to grow and learn through the process.

Creativity will bring all of this together. 

I like this plan. 

Until Next Time,

Kristi