Unpacking That Baggage
Now that I was getting the help I needed for depression and starting that process of unpacking my bags I was once again overwhelmed with ALL the baggage I was looking at. I wanted to just throw it away and start over. But we all know we can't do that. If we don't unpack that baggage our children will have to or their children will have to--and so on. So let's get started shall we?
When you check in your baggage--a baggage agent or a TSA agent will ask you if you packed your own bag. As I looked at ALL of this baggage I asked myself that same question. Why do I have the baggage of family members, friends, and even strangers (I refer to strangers as the people who have no clue who you are but will talk about you anyway).
The fact is--it wasn't OUR baggage--it was THEIRS! So I gave their past back to them. Aunts, Uncles, In-Laws, Parents, Friends, Strangers, Grandmothers, Grandfathers. I can truly say giving that BACK to them was the most cleansing thing I have ever done. This baggage was thrown onto us because it gave their life some relief. We all do it. We might not realize it but we throw our baggage onto others. But when you hand that baggage back to them the stress and the weight of it all starts to fall off of you. What happened to them in their life is not your issue. It never was. I was starting to feel better--but now the real work began.
The farm eventually was sold to the highest bidder. My husbands parents were able to keep the quarter of land that we lived on and another one--and then bought a quarter of land.And with that purchase of the quarter they informed my husband that they would need to rent their farm to the highest bidder to pay for that land. My husband was no longer farming--the cattle was sold and the loans were paid off. We could continue to live in the house (under the new ownership of his parents) but my husband was pretty much starting over. Looking back I realize how much my heart hurt for him...hurt for us. I actually loved the idea of a family farm and thought how great it would be that maybe one of our kids would be carrying on that tradition. That was all out the window. The love of the land would always be there but it was no longer ours to love. I have always been business oriented and I looked at the farm as a business but on the other hand--how could a family do this? We had to start over--OVER. It has been almost 5 years and I still ask myself this. Truth is--it happens a lot in farm estates--like I have said many times--these estates are complicated.
So how did we heal from this? I struggled wanting to be associated with family not just because of the estate--lots of other issues--on both sides... but I also had that mom guilt. I felt we HAD to have a relationship with family for the sake of the kids. On the flip side--my kids witnessed a lot strain first hand with family and I wanted to heal that as well. So I began to talk to them about what happened with the estate, other issues and I tried to answer as many questions as I could. I have never been a part of an estate so I had no experience to go on. All I knew is death, money and land will change a person. I listened. Sometimes we don't need to talk---we just need to listen. So how exactly did we heal from this? The ultimate decision was this---the relationship between the family and our kids was up to the family. My husband was in charge of his family and I was in charge of my family. I did not put forth any effort towards his family during this time and vice versa--it was strictly up to us and the family to come together for the kids--if family wanted to be involved with the kids it was their choice. With that--my husband and I could come together and support the kids from a different perspective. Despite how we felt about certain family members we never intended to use our baggage towards those family members to influence our kids. For example--my Grandmother was a huge influence on my life--we had a strong relationship--we would talk on the phone for hours, write letters to each other--it was a very special relationship--I can't imagine her NOT being in my life. If I were denied a relationship because my parents had some beef with her that would've have been devastating to me. Thankfully THAT never happened!!! I definitely understood the importance having relationships with family members. Each family member has a different relationship with our kids--some they are close to--others there is no relationship at all and that is on both sides of the table. My daughter graduated from High School a few years ago and she made the invite list. We respected it. She will be getting married next summer and we will once again respect her invite list. You see--we chose to redefine family. There is so much stress--guilt, emotions when it comes to family and what it comes down to is that they are going to be in your life or they are not and if they decide NOT to be--It is OK!!!! I am sure some will disagree with this--but it gave us some much needed peace.
I bet you are wondering how the Holidays go at our house. Well--we took turns at each parents' house and I did struggle emotionally with it especially when there were surprise guests that I really didn't care for--I had to use my coping skills and frankly it took years for me to be able to sit comfortably with family without anxiety and with that I realized that the baggage of forgiveness, the anger, the heartbreak, and the pain connected with family was unpacked. Once my oldest turned 18 I decided it was time for us to start our own traditions. Both sets of Parents are always welcome.
Estates can destroy families. IF I could offer any advice at all on estates it would be this--honey--we are ALL going to die--it is OK to talk about what will happen WHEN you die. Be specific with what you want and how you want things to work. Don't keep your children hanging--if you are a farm family and your family has no intentions of allowing you to continue on with farming after they pass away--move on immediately. With land prices and siblings there is no promise that you will continue. I have witnessed many men and women start over in a new career once there is a death in the family. Disperse your property while you are alive. Save everyone the time of hiring a lawyer. And finally--understand that your children will fight. When you die--everything has value. EVERYTHING! When my Grandmother passed away I preserved all of the little notes she sent me. Everything she touched, everything she wrote, everything she bought meant something to me. Property (land) has value, it will have emotional meaning for some kids--it will be nothing but dollar signs to others. KNOW THIS. Since marrying my husband I have witnessed a total of six estates...three on my side, three on his side. Same emotions, same fights regardless of if there is a lot of money or no money at all. It is a natural human emotion.
Family baggage was hard to unpack--and I feel that the two of us unpacked and put everything away--we have redefined family. Family takes the effort of everyone. Some will put effort into your life while others will keep a distance. That is OK. We don't need to bog ourselves down with guilt about it.
I pulled down my next bag--and the tag said friendship.
Until next week---Kristi
When you check in your baggage--a baggage agent or a TSA agent will ask you if you packed your own bag. As I looked at ALL of this baggage I asked myself that same question. Why do I have the baggage of family members, friends, and even strangers (I refer to strangers as the people who have no clue who you are but will talk about you anyway).
The fact is--it wasn't OUR baggage--it was THEIRS! So I gave their past back to them. Aunts, Uncles, In-Laws, Parents, Friends, Strangers, Grandmothers, Grandfathers. I can truly say giving that BACK to them was the most cleansing thing I have ever done. This baggage was thrown onto us because it gave their life some relief. We all do it. We might not realize it but we throw our baggage onto others. But when you hand that baggage back to them the stress and the weight of it all starts to fall off of you. What happened to them in their life is not your issue. It never was. I was starting to feel better--but now the real work began.
The farm eventually was sold to the highest bidder. My husbands parents were able to keep the quarter of land that we lived on and another one--and then bought a quarter of land.And with that purchase of the quarter they informed my husband that they would need to rent their farm to the highest bidder to pay for that land. My husband was no longer farming--the cattle was sold and the loans were paid off. We could continue to live in the house (under the new ownership of his parents) but my husband was pretty much starting over. Looking back I realize how much my heart hurt for him...hurt for us. I actually loved the idea of a family farm and thought how great it would be that maybe one of our kids would be carrying on that tradition. That was all out the window. The love of the land would always be there but it was no longer ours to love. I have always been business oriented and I looked at the farm as a business but on the other hand--how could a family do this? We had to start over--OVER. It has been almost 5 years and I still ask myself this. Truth is--it happens a lot in farm estates--like I have said many times--these estates are complicated.
So how did we heal from this? I struggled wanting to be associated with family not just because of the estate--lots of other issues--on both sides... but I also had that mom guilt. I felt we HAD to have a relationship with family for the sake of the kids. On the flip side--my kids witnessed a lot strain first hand with family and I wanted to heal that as well. So I began to talk to them about what happened with the estate, other issues and I tried to answer as many questions as I could. I have never been a part of an estate so I had no experience to go on. All I knew is death, money and land will change a person. I listened. Sometimes we don't need to talk---we just need to listen. So how exactly did we heal from this? The ultimate decision was this---the relationship between the family and our kids was up to the family. My husband was in charge of his family and I was in charge of my family. I did not put forth any effort towards his family during this time and vice versa--it was strictly up to us and the family to come together for the kids--if family wanted to be involved with the kids it was their choice. With that--my husband and I could come together and support the kids from a different perspective. Despite how we felt about certain family members we never intended to use our baggage towards those family members to influence our kids. For example--my Grandmother was a huge influence on my life--we had a strong relationship--we would talk on the phone for hours, write letters to each other--it was a very special relationship--I can't imagine her NOT being in my life. If I were denied a relationship because my parents had some beef with her that would've have been devastating to me. Thankfully THAT never happened!!! I definitely understood the importance having relationships with family members. Each family member has a different relationship with our kids--some they are close to--others there is no relationship at all and that is on both sides of the table. My daughter graduated from High School a few years ago and she made the invite list. We respected it. She will be getting married next summer and we will once again respect her invite list. You see--we chose to redefine family. There is so much stress--guilt, emotions when it comes to family and what it comes down to is that they are going to be in your life or they are not and if they decide NOT to be--It is OK!!!! I am sure some will disagree with this--but it gave us some much needed peace.
I bet you are wondering how the Holidays go at our house. Well--we took turns at each parents' house and I did struggle emotionally with it especially when there were surprise guests that I really didn't care for--I had to use my coping skills and frankly it took years for me to be able to sit comfortably with family without anxiety and with that I realized that the baggage of forgiveness, the anger, the heartbreak, and the pain connected with family was unpacked. Once my oldest turned 18 I decided it was time for us to start our own traditions. Both sets of Parents are always welcome.
Estates can destroy families. IF I could offer any advice at all on estates it would be this--honey--we are ALL going to die--it is OK to talk about what will happen WHEN you die. Be specific with what you want and how you want things to work. Don't keep your children hanging--if you are a farm family and your family has no intentions of allowing you to continue on with farming after they pass away--move on immediately. With land prices and siblings there is no promise that you will continue. I have witnessed many men and women start over in a new career once there is a death in the family. Disperse your property while you are alive. Save everyone the time of hiring a lawyer. And finally--understand that your children will fight. When you die--everything has value. EVERYTHING! When my Grandmother passed away I preserved all of the little notes she sent me. Everything she touched, everything she wrote, everything she bought meant something to me. Property (land) has value, it will have emotional meaning for some kids--it will be nothing but dollar signs to others. KNOW THIS. Since marrying my husband I have witnessed a total of six estates...three on my side, three on his side. Same emotions, same fights regardless of if there is a lot of money or no money at all. It is a natural human emotion.
Family baggage was hard to unpack--and I feel that the two of us unpacked and put everything away--we have redefined family. Family takes the effort of everyone. Some will put effort into your life while others will keep a distance. That is OK. We don't need to bog ourselves down with guilt about it.
I pulled down my next bag--and the tag said friendship.
Until next week---Kristi
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