Time For The Real Work
When we begin to have families of our own there is always this desire to make life just a little bit better than what we had. We attempt to unpack. My mother grew up with a father that was an alcoholic and she made sure that we did not grow up in a house like that. For that I am thankful. Unpacked baggage.
When my husband and I started our family--in the back of my head--I wanted to do things that weren't done in the house I grew up in. My family moved a lot--I really felt my kids should start and graduate from the same school. Growing up we were not a church family and I always felt I missed something by not getting confirmed in a church so my three oldest kids (and I) were confirmed in a church. I needed consistency for my kids because I didn't really feel I had that. So I felt things were getting unpacked. And hopefully I was improving the lives of my kids.
What wasn't getting unpacked was the real work. As I said last week-- when I was older there was a lot of tension in the house I was growing up in and eventually my parents divorced and I was starting to see the same issues in my house as an adult--as a mom. Not only that but my husband had trust issues with a past relationship and well--I was paying for it. And we had new baggage. Kids are not simple. Family farms are difficult. My husband had to be there for his family, be there for his Grandmother, and be there for his wife and kids and farm two farms....and he raised cattle. I did NOT grow up on a family farm and I saw things a little differently. I wanted to take the family out of the farm and turn it into a business and the kids and I would be the family. But what I found is that it didn't work that way--it wouldn't work that way. Family farms are difficult. Looking back I can compare it to check in at an airport when the agents are putting tags on all of that heavy baggage and throwing it on the conveyor belt, only these bags just piled up in a corner instead of loading on a plane to fly off to a new destination. We were swimming in our own baggage and the baggage of others. There were many times I felt my husband had two different lives--the life with his family and the life with us. It was not a good time and here we are with kids witnessing that tension. A very familiar feeling. I felt like a failure--my vision of that perfect life was not there.
That perfect life was not there because we did NOT unpack. We did not do the work--we didn't really know we HAD to do the work. We weren't sure how to unpack. And the baggage kept coming. My husbands Grandmother had passed away and we lived in her home in the country. Because we were in that home and farmed that farm we took on more luggage from the aunts and uncles because it was now an estate.
This period in our marriage was THE most stressful time in my life. Probably in my husbands life as well. And our kids were witnessing what happens with some estates. They just aren't pretty. I felt we were in NO CONTROL of our lives--and I flat blamed my husband and his family for all of it. I did not want to do the work. I did not know how to do the work. I wasn't sure I wanted to do the work--was this marriage worth the work? I was seriously questioning it. And depression was starting to set in.
When you don't unpack those bags emotions will start to come to surface. For me it was depression. I am truly thankful for the people who noticed I was battling it and pointing me in the right direction so that I could get the help I needed. I can't stress enough--if you are depressed please get help-- embrace that help and know that you are not alone.
Getting help with my depression I was able to learn coping skills. I am on medication and will be for the rest of my life. It is not a magic pill. I use my coping skills as much as possible and I still have my ups and downs and accepting that, understanding that and embracing the fact that I battle depression was my new beginning.
Now it was time for us to unpack those bags....
To be continued...
Kristi
When my husband and I started our family--in the back of my head--I wanted to do things that weren't done in the house I grew up in. My family moved a lot--I really felt my kids should start and graduate from the same school. Growing up we were not a church family and I always felt I missed something by not getting confirmed in a church so my three oldest kids (and I) were confirmed in a church. I needed consistency for my kids because I didn't really feel I had that. So I felt things were getting unpacked. And hopefully I was improving the lives of my kids.
What wasn't getting unpacked was the real work. As I said last week-- when I was older there was a lot of tension in the house I was growing up in and eventually my parents divorced and I was starting to see the same issues in my house as an adult--as a mom. Not only that but my husband had trust issues with a past relationship and well--I was paying for it. And we had new baggage. Kids are not simple. Family farms are difficult. My husband had to be there for his family, be there for his Grandmother, and be there for his wife and kids and farm two farms....and he raised cattle. I did NOT grow up on a family farm and I saw things a little differently. I wanted to take the family out of the farm and turn it into a business and the kids and I would be the family. But what I found is that it didn't work that way--it wouldn't work that way. Family farms are difficult. Looking back I can compare it to check in at an airport when the agents are putting tags on all of that heavy baggage and throwing it on the conveyor belt, only these bags just piled up in a corner instead of loading on a plane to fly off to a new destination. We were swimming in our own baggage and the baggage of others. There were many times I felt my husband had two different lives--the life with his family and the life with us. It was not a good time and here we are with kids witnessing that tension. A very familiar feeling. I felt like a failure--my vision of that perfect life was not there.
That perfect life was not there because we did NOT unpack. We did not do the work--we didn't really know we HAD to do the work. We weren't sure how to unpack. And the baggage kept coming. My husbands Grandmother had passed away and we lived in her home in the country. Because we were in that home and farmed that farm we took on more luggage from the aunts and uncles because it was now an estate.
This period in our marriage was THE most stressful time in my life. Probably in my husbands life as well. And our kids were witnessing what happens with some estates. They just aren't pretty. I felt we were in NO CONTROL of our lives--and I flat blamed my husband and his family for all of it. I did not want to do the work. I did not know how to do the work. I wasn't sure I wanted to do the work--was this marriage worth the work? I was seriously questioning it. And depression was starting to set in.
When you don't unpack those bags emotions will start to come to surface. For me it was depression. I am truly thankful for the people who noticed I was battling it and pointing me in the right direction so that I could get the help I needed. I can't stress enough--if you are depressed please get help-- embrace that help and know that you are not alone.
Getting help with my depression I was able to learn coping skills. I am on medication and will be for the rest of my life. It is not a magic pill. I use my coping skills as much as possible and I still have my ups and downs and accepting that, understanding that and embracing the fact that I battle depression was my new beginning.
Now it was time for us to unpack those bags....
To be continued...
Kristi
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