Why Did I Stay?
So the big question is WHY did I stay? Trouble with family, trouble with the so and so's, battling depression, learning coping skills to live in everyday life in a small town with limited access and losing friends left and right. Well I asked myself that question a lot and here is my answer.
While getting help in therapy I was required to journal. If you do not journal I strongly recommend it. It really helped to level out my emotions. I wrote in my journal a lot when I had arguments with my husband. It amazes me what comes forward when you write out your conversations and read back what was said--so many terrible things can be said. There are so many regrets having the arguments that I had with my husband. Looking back we should have handled everything just a little bit better.
What I realized by writing in my journal is that there was always a third person involved in the fight. This person was not physically there but was always brought into the argument. This person was consistent in every argument. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
During our marriage there was always a lot of "outside noise" and that was difficult enough but to have a certain person literally involved in every argument really pissed me off. And it was a person that was really not going to go away. If it wasn't for the journal and therapy and learning how to reword things, delete the third person from the argument and turn it into a discussion-- I probably would be divorced.
Now this person wasn't the reason why we fought--this person just fueled the fire a little bit more. So what now? How in the hell do you fix a marriage that was a struggle from the get go. Well--you step back and you look at what you have and decide if it outweighs what you don't have.
I saw my husband as a person that literally tried to make everyone happy. I watched people suck the life right out of him and point the finger at me because I called them out on it. What I saw was my husband killing himself for people who wouldn't lift a finger for him and pointing the finger at me because I called them out on it. What I saw was a man who was completely torn sitting in the middle of an estate mess with people who didn't give a flip about him and pointing the finger at me because I called them out on it. My BIGGEST LESSON here--calling them out on it. Dr. Phil says "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" and there is a whole family out there that refuses to believe anything was ever wrong. And continue to believe nothing is wrong. And that pathology will continue on until they decide to face their problems. And I hope they do--I just know that MY chain, and the chains of OUR children are broken.
So I made the necessary changes with the family which I wrote about in a previous blog. Then I started to look at my husband a little bit deeper. There was no doubt that I have love for this man. To this day he will hug me and I melt just a little bit. We are both type A personalities, and we are both stubborn. My husband is a very hard worker, a talented mechanic, a pilot, and I am jealous of every thing he could build, fix, and drive...and I am still jealous today. We are so much alike we tended to lock horns on a lot of issues and because we locked horns--I vented to my friends. I learned a few lessons--I did not chose who I vented to in the best way I vented to whoever would listen. I also learned that if you vent to someone that is already miserable--then it will not help you in the end. Throughout my therapy and writing in my journal I realized how important it was to really "vet" who is and isn't your friend. And the importance of keeping a small circle of friends to vent your life to. To break this chain was very difficult for me. I have never had issues having my life public and to learn where the line of public life and private life is drawn is very challenging when you are a talker. The final link of this chain was broken a few weeks ago as I realized I was enabling a friend and once I saw what I was doing I decided I needed to step away. I definitely see that misery loves company. Friendships are difficult and what I choose to live by is this--if they are rooting for you in front of you AND behind your back--they are keepers.
So I made the necessary changes with friends which I wrote about in a previous blog. Once ALL of these chains were broken I felt our marriage started to change. My husband started over with his own business. I also started putting more effort into my business, I also became an exchange coordinator and I started this blog--but as a Facebook blog. This blog became part of the bigger plan for me. There was so much outreach after I started blogging. I had people thanking me because my story inspired them to get help for their own depression. I also had my fair share of backlash--I had a few friends that gave their opinion about my blog and it wasn't positive and my response was and will always be this---It is NOT your cross to bare--it is MINE.
My marriage has been put through a lot in the last 20 years but this year it was put to the ultimate test. We had an issue with one of our children and frankly it turned our world upside down. Like I have said before--we are both stubborn and we tend to lock horns on what it best. This time it was different--I was strong when he was weak--he was strong when I was weak--we actually balanced each other out--we worked as a team to help our child. To know that breaking these chains for the sake of my marriage made us stronger in the end makes it all worth it.
I love my husband--yes we still lock horns. But we have broken so many chains and hopefully changed the pathology for our younger kids. My oldest daughter witnessed so much that I feel she is stuck in the pathology I have worked to get us out of. She is planning to get married this summer to a man that our family absolutely loves. I hope that this blog series will help her understand and identify her chains are and know that I will always be there to help break those chains. I love the TV series "Roseanne" and one of the lines from that show has been on my heart since I became a mother. She said "If we as parents improve our children's lives by 50 % we have done a good job."
Pay attention to those chains. Look at the people around you--are they good for your soul? Are they good for your mind? Are they good for your heart? If they aren't you don't need them--even if you share the same blood. There is so much sadness in this world, so much anger. You deserve happiness--you have earned it.
Kristi
While getting help in therapy I was required to journal. If you do not journal I strongly recommend it. It really helped to level out my emotions. I wrote in my journal a lot when I had arguments with my husband. It amazes me what comes forward when you write out your conversations and read back what was said--so many terrible things can be said. There are so many regrets having the arguments that I had with my husband. Looking back we should have handled everything just a little bit better.
What I realized by writing in my journal is that there was always a third person involved in the fight. This person was not physically there but was always brought into the argument. This person was consistent in every argument. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
During our marriage there was always a lot of "outside noise" and that was difficult enough but to have a certain person literally involved in every argument really pissed me off. And it was a person that was really not going to go away. If it wasn't for the journal and therapy and learning how to reword things, delete the third person from the argument and turn it into a discussion-- I probably would be divorced.
Now this person wasn't the reason why we fought--this person just fueled the fire a little bit more. So what now? How in the hell do you fix a marriage that was a struggle from the get go. Well--you step back and you look at what you have and decide if it outweighs what you don't have.
I saw my husband as a person that literally tried to make everyone happy. I watched people suck the life right out of him and point the finger at me because I called them out on it. What I saw was my husband killing himself for people who wouldn't lift a finger for him and pointing the finger at me because I called them out on it. What I saw was a man who was completely torn sitting in the middle of an estate mess with people who didn't give a flip about him and pointing the finger at me because I called them out on it. My BIGGEST LESSON here--calling them out on it. Dr. Phil says "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" and there is a whole family out there that refuses to believe anything was ever wrong. And continue to believe nothing is wrong. And that pathology will continue on until they decide to face their problems. And I hope they do--I just know that MY chain, and the chains of OUR children are broken.
So I made the necessary changes with the family which I wrote about in a previous blog. Then I started to look at my husband a little bit deeper. There was no doubt that I have love for this man. To this day he will hug me and I melt just a little bit. We are both type A personalities, and we are both stubborn. My husband is a very hard worker, a talented mechanic, a pilot, and I am jealous of every thing he could build, fix, and drive...and I am still jealous today. We are so much alike we tended to lock horns on a lot of issues and because we locked horns--I vented to my friends. I learned a few lessons--I did not chose who I vented to in the best way I vented to whoever would listen. I also learned that if you vent to someone that is already miserable--then it will not help you in the end. Throughout my therapy and writing in my journal I realized how important it was to really "vet" who is and isn't your friend. And the importance of keeping a small circle of friends to vent your life to. To break this chain was very difficult for me. I have never had issues having my life public and to learn where the line of public life and private life is drawn is very challenging when you are a talker. The final link of this chain was broken a few weeks ago as I realized I was enabling a friend and once I saw what I was doing I decided I needed to step away. I definitely see that misery loves company. Friendships are difficult and what I choose to live by is this--if they are rooting for you in front of you AND behind your back--they are keepers.
So I made the necessary changes with friends which I wrote about in a previous blog. Once ALL of these chains were broken I felt our marriage started to change. My husband started over with his own business. I also started putting more effort into my business, I also became an exchange coordinator and I started this blog--but as a Facebook blog. This blog became part of the bigger plan for me. There was so much outreach after I started blogging. I had people thanking me because my story inspired them to get help for their own depression. I also had my fair share of backlash--I had a few friends that gave their opinion about my blog and it wasn't positive and my response was and will always be this---It is NOT your cross to bare--it is MINE.
My marriage has been put through a lot in the last 20 years but this year it was put to the ultimate test. We had an issue with one of our children and frankly it turned our world upside down. Like I have said before--we are both stubborn and we tend to lock horns on what it best. This time it was different--I was strong when he was weak--he was strong when I was weak--we actually balanced each other out--we worked as a team to help our child. To know that breaking these chains for the sake of my marriage made us stronger in the end makes it all worth it.
I love my husband--yes we still lock horns. But we have broken so many chains and hopefully changed the pathology for our younger kids. My oldest daughter witnessed so much that I feel she is stuck in the pathology I have worked to get us out of. She is planning to get married this summer to a man that our family absolutely loves. I hope that this blog series will help her understand and identify her chains are and know that I will always be there to help break those chains. I love the TV series "Roseanne" and one of the lines from that show has been on my heart since I became a mother. She said "If we as parents improve our children's lives by 50 % we have done a good job."
Pay attention to those chains. Look at the people around you--are they good for your soul? Are they good for your mind? Are they good for your heart? If they aren't you don't need them--even if you share the same blood. There is so much sadness in this world, so much anger. You deserve happiness--you have earned it.
Kristi
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