The Wife

A FEW THINGS.

This weekend is Oscar weekend. I look forward to this every year. Growing up I had two wonderful friends who I spent my weekends either going to the movies, or renting movies. I have a wonderful movie poster collection and so many memories of laughter and pointing out all of the flaws, beauty and blue screens. Those were some of the best times of my life.

I didn't change much after high school. I love movies, every time I had a spare couple bucks I would go to the cheap movie theaters. It was my escape from the world of that just didn't seem nice. Although it wasn't the same as being with my two best friends but I still laughed, cried and enjoyed my little escape.

Now that I am in my 40's I STILL love movies. I became obsessed with Pre-Code Movies. Those were classic black and white movies that were made before 1934. I started reading books about the women in those movies. My heart ached for what the women went through. Many of the women were treated horribly and thrown in the street because there was always another one that could take her place. Alcohol issues, abortions, drug addiction, and scandals were just a few of the issues these Pre-Code women had. But what these women did--was push the limits on film. They set a pathway for the women of today and for that I am thankful for every single one of them. 

I must admit--I have not seen many of the movies up for Oscars. I am so cheap--I don't want to pay 6.00 to rent a movie on our dish. Our movie theater is 46 miles away so making the time to go is very difficult. I would wait for it to come on HBO or Cinemax. Due to issues with satellite contracts we no longer have HBO or Cinemax. So I am really behind on my movie list. (Yes--we are dumping our satellite provider soon). 

Today--I decided to take the plunge--pay the 6.00 and rent "The Wife". One of the friends I grew up watching movies with suggested I watch it instead of "A Star Is Born." I trust his judgement--even though we disagreed on "Bohemian Rhapsody" I loved it--him--not so much. I decided to take the advice and watch the wonderful Glen Close play "The Wife".

Without giving a lot of the movie away--she has been married for over 30 years and was an aspiring writer at one time--her husband is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for Literacy. We start to see flashbacks on how they met and how his writing career began. Issues of the marriage, affairs, and her loyalty to him through out the years. We slowly began to see the holes in their marriage. There are a lot of twists and turns and you could feel her pain and understand how the marriage was beginning to break.

I could feel her pain as she stood in the shadows of her husband. I could feel her pain as she wasn't sure she had a partnership with her husband. I could understand how she was starting to feel that her reason for being in the marriage might not be the reason he was in the marriage. I understand that feeling.

I really struggle with my future here...as I don't feel I really have one. The land, the farm, the house they will never be ours. Just my husbands. His family owns it all--and both of us agreed I shouldn't be a part of it. My agreement to this was NOT because I was happy to agree--it was to stop the utter misery I was being put through. But I think of the 23 years I have put into this home, raising my kids, adjusting to living out in the middle of nowhere, adjusting to living in an old house that is NOT ours. Essentially putting every dream a young married couple would want to strive (house, kids, family vacations) to the side for outside families and estates. Putting my needs to the side because I had faith that WE would ultimately make our dreams come true. So, I understand the feeling of frustration and happiness and loyalty especially as I stood by my husband during the estates and the misery he was put through. Closing the books on farming--which is not a career but a calling. To stand by him as he spent a few years working for people and finally deciding to start his own business.  I understand the frustration, happiness, and loyalty as I emotionally supported my husband as he started a new company. I stood by him as we pulled ourselves out of debts. I handled everything willingly and I had no issues because THAT is what you do when you are committed in marriage. We are partners--we build--right??? 

So what happens when you start to question everything you have worked for? Especially when there is really no credit for what you have done? When you realized should have spent more time on yourself and your career instead of standing behind him? Would he do the same for you? Or is this just a one sided marriage? I understood this character and what she was feeling. I feel it a lot. That loyalty, happiness and frustration is always there.

My dream was this--my husband and I would take over the farm in honor of the generations before us. We would raise cattle, I would handle the books and help with cattle (not much of a machinery person) we would either fix up this home which I believe we are the 3rd or 4th generation to live in this house or tear it down and rebuild. We have four beautiful kids and they would learn to farm then we would be able to keep the family farm going. And I would run a side landscaping business and of course--my husband would help with it because we are a team. It was a beautiful dream. And it was just my dream. Reality is--like the character in "The Wife" I am not sure what my purpose is right now.

The kids are growing up--Within a few years my youngest son will be the only child home and I need to figure out what I am going to do with my life. I have loved my kids being my beautiful distraction. But I have had to put a life plan in place. I could stay here and continue to keep up house and be told that I should feel guilty for feeling I should be an equal partner with everything that we have--not just a few by choice--or by law. For a woman who is 44 this process is hard. There are growing pains, fear of failure, and when you are adjusted in your life--it is hard to want to go out of that comfort zone. I am still healing with all of this...this...reality. Do I still love my husband--absolutely--am I frustrated--absolutely--am I loyal--always. But I don't feel I need to stand behind him anymore. To stand in the shadow. Credit or not--standing behind him for our family was my past purpose and I question everyday who benefited from it. I picture Glen Close's character sitting in the car deep in thought but when her husband needs her--she was there. It is such an odd place to be in. Happiness, Frustration and Loyalty.  

Old habits die hard. My goals include not feeling like I am required to be the backbone or taking the blame willingly when things aren't going well. I am just requiring balance now. I don't need to be in the shadows, and I no longer need to feel that it's all on me. I no longer feel like my time needs to be wasted on stuff that will not benefit me, or will not be valuable to my time. 

"The Wife" was an amazing movie that brought up a lot of emotions for me as well as others. I plan to read the book and get the whole story. However--I will always understand how she felt wondering if they were equal on purpose.

Until Next Week---Kristi

KRISTI SPILLS THE TEA.....

While I was in Taiwan I visited Fo Guang Shan. It is an International Chinese Buddhist monastic order based in Taiwan that practices Humanistic Buddhism. I had walked through quite a few Temples in Japan so I felt this is just another Temple. But it wasn't. It was so breathtakingly beautiful and the calmness of the people (men AND women monks--yes WOMEN) I was around was something I have not felt for a long time. As we walked up the hill for the tour there were simple life reminders posted everywhere. A few of those reminders included:

1. Speak Kindly as kind words are like the warmth of sunshine in the winter.
2. Be a good person, do no evil, and do good deeds.
3. Start with examining your mind, for you must know whether it is good or evil.
4. Spread happiness around the world, and live in happiness.
5. Giving is not always done with money. A smile or words of compliment are also forms of giving.

I became a Christian less than 20 years ago. I have enjoyed my journey being a Christian. I have had so many life experiences and seen God's work in action. I preached in the pulpit, taught Sunday School classes...both adults and kids classes. Set up Vacation Bible School. Took my fair share of Bible Study classes. And I read a whole lot of scripture.

Now I am seeing our church in a different light. A negative light. Our churches are being exposed for abuse scandals, crimes are being covered up. We have churches that are promoting political agendas. We have churches that refuse to open their doors to the homeless, to LGBTQ or children who are in need. They are not feeding the hungry or clothing the naked. They are instead judging them.

I have read comment after comment online when it comes to Jesus. Horrible comments in the name of Jesus and I just wonder if this is the same Jesus I was exposed to. Frankly the Jesus that they are describing is Jesus I have no desire of knowing.

Right now the United Methodist Church (which is my church affiliation) will be voting on a plan dealing with the whole "homosexuality" thing. That is how people explain it. There is a threat of a split and we will know soon if that is what will move forward.

The simplicity of this Temple is the Christianity I want. Being Christ like is not hard matter of fact--here are a few life lessons:

1. Speak Kindly as kind words are like the warmth of sunshine in the winter.
2. Be a good person, do no evil, and do good deeds.
3. Start with examining your mind, for you must know whether it is good or evil.
4. Spread happiness around the world, and live in happiness.
5. Giving is not always done with money. A smile or words of compliment are also forms of giving.

I want to be around people that do not use the Bible as an agenda for hate.
I want to be around people that do not use the Bible to degrade women.
I want to be around people that do not judge people who are not like them.
I want to be around people who read the words of Jesus (JESUS) and practice it.
This is my church plan.

Like many--I am not feeling peace in church anymore. I am begging organized churches to please get it together and start being a positive influence instead of a negative one because we are catching on. I can love Jesus anywhere but I would like to love him in a church.

Kristi