When Depression Knocks On The Door Part 2.
A FEW THINGS.
When I got back from Japan/Taiwan I had a different outlook on life. I was introduced to two cultures that were truly beautiful and amazing people that I am proud to say are my friends. I also had a more positive outlook on working with women. And I built some confidence that I really missed from my high school days.
I had struggled getting adjusted to my depression medication when I got home. I was not sure what was going on--but I didn't feel I needed to take them anyway because I was a changed woman. Life was so good for me I won't miss them.
About three weeks went by without taking my medication and I still felt OK but I was not sleeping. I was only getting between two and four hours of sleep. I wrote it off as to much caffeine. I am just fine.
Sometime after that--my daughter called and she had made a decision to change her major. She told me she didn't feel the field she was going into was going to be rewarding to her and she was going a different direction. Normally--I try to be a supportive mom. I tried to smile through it. Reminded myself that she is young--and she should do whatever makes her happy. But it kind of destroyed me and I wasn't sure why. I wrote it off as lack of sleep, and being a head strong mother. As I was telling my husband about her decision I heard that little voice in the back of my head saying--"you are a worthless mother."
The lack of medication, the lack of sleep, and now that voice was reminding me that I am worthless. It's OK--It was just one time--I am good. No problem--I went on an amazing trip--I. Am. Fine.
Still sleeping a few hours a night I started to get headaches. That's OK--I'll just take headache medication--no problem. The kids would come home and discuss their life and that stupid little voice kept creeping into my mind but now it was getting louder--"worthless" over and over. So much I would turn the television down, or tell the kids to turn their electronics down. The reminder that I was worthless was now dominating my brain and the headaches were constant. That was OK though. I was a strong woman--I can overcome this thought. I will just start over tomorrow--I really just needed to sleep.
The voice was quiet sometimes and extremely loud sometimes but it was always there reminding me that I was worthless. Weeks went by and not much sleep, I was going through the motions of being a mom but I was losing my joy. And I was being very vocal about it. I was telling my family my joy was just gone. I wasn't feeling anything anymore. They really weren't sure what to do--and looking back I wonder if maybe they felt I was venting a little bit. But I really was trying to reach out.
I still woke up every morning feeling like I was going to be fine that day. But lack of sleep, a constant headache, a voice and now massive body pain came into play. My legs felt like I ran a marathon, my abs felt like I did 1000 sit ups, my arms felt like I lifted a 1000.00 pounds. I no longer wanted to move. And then I stopped taking my diabetic medication--and my blood pressure medication. Because it became to much work. I couldn't remember when I took a shower--I just kept washing my hair when needed. Remember--I was a strong woman-- I was still doing the whole parent thing. I had obligations to the high school for fundraising. My daughter needed rides back and forth to pep band. My kids needed rides to school. I put on the show I needed to because I was NOT a weak woman. I was so NOT strong at this point.
Without taking my diabetic medication I added high blood sugars to my list of things, I am sure I was having bouts of high blood pressure, STILL was not taking my depression medication, my body was stiff, no sleep, feeling completely worthless (the voice finally won) I was really struggling.
During this time--I had made a very big decision. I discussed this decision with the family and they were a little on the shocked side. But they supported it. I felt good--felt refreshed got away for a weekend. I was still struggling with everything but I felt human for a moment and I missed that. My depression was gone! I was CURED.
A few days later--the reality set in about making that big decision and it hit me like a TON of bricks. I was struggling getting a hold of my thoughts. Was I making the right decision--if I wasn't why did I feel so good about it first? What the hell is wrong with me? And I calmed myself down by saying to myself--who the hell cares what's wrong with me.
My two daughters finally decided to talk to me about my depression. My oldest daughter kept asking me things and I would say "I am fine" through the tears because I really didn't HAVE a reason for being depressed--no major event happened that triggered it-- I was JUST FINE. I cried a lot that night. And the next day I got up and I reached out.
Then I took a shower--and I took my medications. I talked to my Dr. and I found out I could take my depression medication at night so I started to take them at night with the hope that I would sleep a little bit more. I am still working on the medication adjustment but I realized I am not strong enough to conquer this without help and proper medication.
I also wrote in my journal. As I wrote in my journal I went back and actually weighed the pros and cons of my big decision and I realized that yes I did make the right decision and I am now comfortable with it. Keeping a journal has been a major part of staying mentally healthy.
I also slept. I took a lot of naps and I am now sleeping about six hours a night. I am still going to bed way to late but it is getting better. I am not a nap person--not a fan at all--but I definitely enjoyed getting caught up on my sleep.
My body aches are gone. I still have a few headaches but they are being treated with over the counter medication. I don't hear that voice telling me I am worthless anymore. I started getting the professional help I needed and I am just now starting to feel a little more like a human being. I also changed my diet a little bit which I will talk about at a later time.
Am I still struggling? Yes I am. I can't watch the trailer for "How To Train Your Dragon 3" because it makes me cry. The kicker-- I didn't care for the first two movies--so why the hell am I crying?
I would also like to take this opportunity to say thank you to my husband and daughters for watching out for me and showing their concern. I might not have wanted it at the time--but I needed it. To my oldest daughter--I was never mad that you decided to go a different path in your schooling and career I was just not in a good place to give you the support you needed and I am sorry. And thank you to my Dr. and everyone else involved for getting me back on track.
My Signs of Depression include:
1. Not taking my medications.
2. Lack of sleep
3. Feeling of worthlessness
4. Chronic Headaches
5. Body Aches
6. Feeling no joy
7. Not Socializing--when you are a social person
8. Not Showering
9. Feeling of worthlessness
10. Feeling of worthlessness
My Other Triggers of depression
1. Social Media
2. The News
What Helps my Depression
1. Journal
2. Coping Skills
3. Rest
4. Taking my Medications
5. Communication
I have learned through this last episode of depression that I need a medication and I need to stay on a medication. I need to keep getting help. I realized that talking about depression is a conversation we need to have because so many suffer in silence. There is help out there. Medications for depression are surprisingly affordable. There are people who can help you no matter what your income level is.
If you are sitting at home feeling no joy, feeling like you are worthless, or feeling like you have been stretched so far you are about to break. Please get help. Please. You are loved, you are needed, and there is only one YOU.
You are loved.
Until next week. Kristi
KRISTI SPILLS THE TEA. Depression is NO JOKE. If you are suffering from Depression, Anxiety or PTSD and you are having thoughts about leaving this earth--let me be the first to tell you that there is only one you and you are needed, you are loved and you matter. Reach out to someone today. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273-8255.
When I got back from Japan/Taiwan I had a different outlook on life. I was introduced to two cultures that were truly beautiful and amazing people that I am proud to say are my friends. I also had a more positive outlook on working with women. And I built some confidence that I really missed from my high school days.
I had struggled getting adjusted to my depression medication when I got home. I was not sure what was going on--but I didn't feel I needed to take them anyway because I was a changed woman. Life was so good for me I won't miss them.
About three weeks went by without taking my medication and I still felt OK but I was not sleeping. I was only getting between two and four hours of sleep. I wrote it off as to much caffeine. I am just fine.
Sometime after that--my daughter called and she had made a decision to change her major. She told me she didn't feel the field she was going into was going to be rewarding to her and she was going a different direction. Normally--I try to be a supportive mom. I tried to smile through it. Reminded myself that she is young--and she should do whatever makes her happy. But it kind of destroyed me and I wasn't sure why. I wrote it off as lack of sleep, and being a head strong mother. As I was telling my husband about her decision I heard that little voice in the back of my head saying--"you are a worthless mother."
The lack of medication, the lack of sleep, and now that voice was reminding me that I am worthless. It's OK--It was just one time--I am good. No problem--I went on an amazing trip--I. Am. Fine.
Still sleeping a few hours a night I started to get headaches. That's OK--I'll just take headache medication--no problem. The kids would come home and discuss their life and that stupid little voice kept creeping into my mind but now it was getting louder--"worthless" over and over. So much I would turn the television down, or tell the kids to turn their electronics down. The reminder that I was worthless was now dominating my brain and the headaches were constant. That was OK though. I was a strong woman--I can overcome this thought. I will just start over tomorrow--I really just needed to sleep.
The voice was quiet sometimes and extremely loud sometimes but it was always there reminding me that I was worthless. Weeks went by and not much sleep, I was going through the motions of being a mom but I was losing my joy. And I was being very vocal about it. I was telling my family my joy was just gone. I wasn't feeling anything anymore. They really weren't sure what to do--and looking back I wonder if maybe they felt I was venting a little bit. But I really was trying to reach out.
I still woke up every morning feeling like I was going to be fine that day. But lack of sleep, a constant headache, a voice and now massive body pain came into play. My legs felt like I ran a marathon, my abs felt like I did 1000 sit ups, my arms felt like I lifted a 1000.00 pounds. I no longer wanted to move. And then I stopped taking my diabetic medication--and my blood pressure medication. Because it became to much work. I couldn't remember when I took a shower--I just kept washing my hair when needed. Remember--I was a strong woman-- I was still doing the whole parent thing. I had obligations to the high school for fundraising. My daughter needed rides back and forth to pep band. My kids needed rides to school. I put on the show I needed to because I was NOT a weak woman. I was so NOT strong at this point.
Without taking my diabetic medication I added high blood sugars to my list of things, I am sure I was having bouts of high blood pressure, STILL was not taking my depression medication, my body was stiff, no sleep, feeling completely worthless (the voice finally won) I was really struggling.
During this time--I had made a very big decision. I discussed this decision with the family and they were a little on the shocked side. But they supported it. I felt good--felt refreshed got away for a weekend. I was still struggling with everything but I felt human for a moment and I missed that. My depression was gone! I was CURED.
A few days later--the reality set in about making that big decision and it hit me like a TON of bricks. I was struggling getting a hold of my thoughts. Was I making the right decision--if I wasn't why did I feel so good about it first? What the hell is wrong with me? And I calmed myself down by saying to myself--who the hell cares what's wrong with me.
My two daughters finally decided to talk to me about my depression. My oldest daughter kept asking me things and I would say "I am fine" through the tears because I really didn't HAVE a reason for being depressed--no major event happened that triggered it-- I was JUST FINE. I cried a lot that night. And the next day I got up and I reached out.
Then I took a shower--and I took my medications. I talked to my Dr. and I found out I could take my depression medication at night so I started to take them at night with the hope that I would sleep a little bit more. I am still working on the medication adjustment but I realized I am not strong enough to conquer this without help and proper medication.
I also wrote in my journal. As I wrote in my journal I went back and actually weighed the pros and cons of my big decision and I realized that yes I did make the right decision and I am now comfortable with it. Keeping a journal has been a major part of staying mentally healthy.
I also slept. I took a lot of naps and I am now sleeping about six hours a night. I am still going to bed way to late but it is getting better. I am not a nap person--not a fan at all--but I definitely enjoyed getting caught up on my sleep.
My body aches are gone. I still have a few headaches but they are being treated with over the counter medication. I don't hear that voice telling me I am worthless anymore. I started getting the professional help I needed and I am just now starting to feel a little more like a human being. I also changed my diet a little bit which I will talk about at a later time.
Am I still struggling? Yes I am. I can't watch the trailer for "How To Train Your Dragon 3" because it makes me cry. The kicker-- I didn't care for the first two movies--so why the hell am I crying?
I would also like to take this opportunity to say thank you to my husband and daughters for watching out for me and showing their concern. I might not have wanted it at the time--but I needed it. To my oldest daughter--I was never mad that you decided to go a different path in your schooling and career I was just not in a good place to give you the support you needed and I am sorry. And thank you to my Dr. and everyone else involved for getting me back on track.
My Signs of Depression include:
1. Not taking my medications.
2. Lack of sleep
3. Feeling of worthlessness
4. Chronic Headaches
5. Body Aches
6. Feeling no joy
7. Not Socializing--when you are a social person
8. Not Showering
9. Feeling of worthlessness
10. Feeling of worthlessness
My Other Triggers of depression
1. Social Media
2. The News
What Helps my Depression
1. Journal
2. Coping Skills
3. Rest
4. Taking my Medications
5. Communication
I have learned through this last episode of depression that I need a medication and I need to stay on a medication. I need to keep getting help. I realized that talking about depression is a conversation we need to have because so many suffer in silence. There is help out there. Medications for depression are surprisingly affordable. There are people who can help you no matter what your income level is.
If you are sitting at home feeling no joy, feeling like you are worthless, or feeling like you have been stretched so far you are about to break. Please get help. Please. You are loved, you are needed, and there is only one YOU.
You are loved.
Until next week. Kristi
KRISTI SPILLS THE TEA. Depression is NO JOKE. If you are suffering from Depression, Anxiety or PTSD and you are having thoughts about leaving this earth--let me be the first to tell you that there is only one you and you are needed, you are loved and you matter. Reach out to someone today. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273-8255.
Comments
Post a Comment