When Depression Knocks On Your Door. Part 1.

A FEW THINGS. I suffer from Depression/Anxiety and PTSD. There I said it. There are many that feel there is no such thing as a mental health issue. That only PTSD happens with soldiers who have endured combat. I am here to tell you that those are myths. There are some that believe that depression/anxiety is not a genetic issue. I can also say that's a myth as well. I have been working on my family tree and I have found that there are many signs of depression and recorded suicides in my family tree. There are some who are suffering in silence right now and I am here to say--come forward. There is help out there for you.

I was diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety and PTSD over 5 years ago. I had been involved with narcissistic people for a very long time. What they were saying behind closed doors was nothing like the stellar reputation they had in public and I chose NOT to follow the unwritten rules. What I got in return was a smear campaign that consisted of my husband not being the father of two of our kids, that I only married my husband for inheritance and land. And my favorite---that I trapped my husband because we had a child before marriage therefore I "sealed" the deal to get that land and money. So here I was in a town that really didn't know me and what they DID know about me came from people that had a good reputation. So why would anyone believe me? To this day when someone says they are my friend I am really not sure how to react. The main reason is--they are also friends with ones that caused a lot of the pain. 

The most painful part of these events that took place was my kids hearing the rumors that their father wasn't their father. And my husband saying he wasn't sure I was really "trustworthy" when it came to money and land because he too was starting to question my intentions. And why not? He grew up here--hadn't had great luck with women--here comes a girl--falls in love with him--moves in a month later--pregnant 4 months later and he was hearing things from people he had known his whole life. Maybe the smear campaign had some truth to it. I mean I get it. But we were 20 some years into a marriage. We shared 4 kids (he NEVER doubted he wasn't the father of all of our kids) and I am being questioned?  So I said--I don't want any of it. And once THAT was out--I was informed by someone other than my husband that I could stay here in this house--with my husband and children as long as I choose to. I said thank you. I wish I would have said something else. Anyways-- because I SAID I loved my husband when everyone knew I didn't (that is...according to the smear campaign) it would be just a matter of time before I left. I think they counted on me leaving so they could be right in some way. The sad part of ALL of this is no one really believed I married my husband because I truly loved him--not even my husband. 

I tried to mend ties with some of them. Some I didn't. I focused on the ones that I felt our kids needed a relationship with and that is who I tried to mend ties with. One of the things I noticed is I was required to know so much about family history, relatives, who owned what land historically, birthdays, funerals,etc--but on the other side of the quarter most didn't know the names of my dad, brothers, wives or nephews. But--I was going to make it right and behave, and follow those unwritten rules. Be good, do right. Guess what? It wasn't good enough. For the ones I no longer cared about--the smear campaign continued not sure why--maybe because I had no desire to work on mending those ties--I will never know really. What I DID know was I couldn't win. But I kept working. Even my kids noticed this insanity and asked what they could do to help me have a "better" reputation. Let me repeat that--they asked what THEY could do to help ME have a "better" reputation.  And honestly--I didn't know. I gave up all the "material things," I married for love, never cheated. What more could I do?

After many sleepless nights--I decided that my children, my husband and everyone involved would be better off if I just died. So I started to consider ending my life. Everyone's life would just be so much better if I was out of the picture. I can't win this. I can't mend these ties. I should have never called out what I was witnessing--if I would have kept my mouth shut, I should have followed the unwritten rules, the smear campaign was all my fault. MY FAULT. Everyone's lives would be better without me. 

A few days later I was in a local business and a man walked up to me and asked me to come into his office. I assumed this was business he had with my husband so I went in took a seat and he shut the door. He looked me straight in the eyes and grabbed my hands and said--"If you are thinking about ending your life--I am asking you not to. I have names of people that can help you. Let's get you some help." I am not sure how long I was in that office crying and being consoled and I am not sure how this man knew what I was considering but I am thankful everyday that he intercepted what could have been a very fatal mistake.

So I got help-- I was officially diagnosed--I always sensed I had Anxiety/Depression throughout my life but the PTSD diagnoses was new. I started on medication for Anxiety/Depression--I am on Prozac.( I will be on medication for the rest of my life) I started to get professional help to learn coping skills on handling life and the people in it. I started a list of people who are in my life and I added them to either contact, no contact, and limited contact. I have stuck to it for over 5 years and it has done me well. I also learned how to journal. I learned how to breathe. I learned how to change my thoughts a little bit and watch what I say when I am around people who are listed on my "limited or NO contact" list. I started to feel better. My kids began to heal. Life was starting to look not so dark. 

As my family began to heal--things were going good and my confidence was starting to come back. And that's when depression knocked on my door....again. 

When I was in high school--I had confidence. I was confident in what I wore--how I thought--who I hung around with. I didn't really care what was said about me--or who said it. But as a 40+ year old woman--I had my kids to think about and after a continual smear campaign I wasn't sure really where to start. So I just didn't.

I really have no confidence in myself when it comes to anything. In the last 5 years I have had many opportunities. I was medicated, I had my coping skills and I should have been off and running. But that confidence I had in high school was just not there anymore. I had a friend give me the opportunity to get started in a brand new jewelry company with tons of potential and I blocked myself from stepping out of my comfort zone and becoming successful with it. I had the opportunity to finish my Landscaping Certification and I bailed. I thought about going back and finishing my college degree and I convinced myself that I am to old to do that. I would love to start my own travel agency--have I completed one lesson? No. Where did the confidence go? What has changed in me? I really wanted that confidence back!!!!

I have a greenhouse that has been around for 20 years (2019 season will be year 20). I have a great support system with that greenhouse and I never doubted the quality or my knowledge of flowers. But the struggle of dealing with my reputation in the town comes into play every season. And that hits my confidence a lot. 

I became an International Exchange Coordinator and was ready to bail on it almost immediately. If it wasn't for the staff encouraging me along with fellow coordinators I would have quit before I started. I had no confidence and I had to learn how to take "No" for an answer without wanting to crawl under a rock and hide from the world. I am still floored I stayed with it--I think it was the passion I felt for the program that overpowered that confidence.

Passion builds confidence--through the coordinator position I started to slowly build some confidence. I have met wonderful people. I have learned how to handle difficult situations. I have traveled nationally and internationally through this program. And because of this program I started to really think about my life and started to make decisions, I started thinking about my future, my plans for the next chapter in my life. My confidence and self esteem was shifting. And that scared the shit out of me.

And depression knocked on my door and brought a suitcase. It was sticking around for awhile.

Next week I will talk about what led up to me heading down the depression hill. It hit hard--it scared me--and it took all I had to crawl back up the hill. 

Until next week---Kristi

KRISTI SPILLS THE TEA. Depression is NO JOKE. If you are suffering from Depression, Anxiety or PTSD and you are having thoughts about leaving this earth--let me be the first to tell you that there is only one you and you are needed, you are loved and you matter. Reach out to someone today. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273-8255.