Where There Is Anger Comes Change
A FEW THINGS--
After writing about "The Wife" last week I was feeling pretty raw. This movie seemed to open up a lot of senses I have been ignoring for quite awhile. I began to pay attention to how I interact with people and really paid attention to how people interacted with me and it was quite eye opening.
I realized I was "talked at" instead of "talked to". I found that many told me about their day--but never asked me how my day was. I found that I was the scapegoat for a lot of issues that had really had nothing to do with me. I found that when I was talking--the person/people I was talking to were looking at their phone or watching TV. This was the majority of my week. Yes--I did have some great conversations but it seemed like a rarity.
By the end of the week I thought I should just stop talking all together. Would anyone seriously notice? I am sure they would still tell me about their day without asking about mine. I am sure the continuous blame for issues that I am not involved in would continue. Frankly--it kind of pissed me off.
The final straw for me this week is when my husband and I seemed to have had a disconnect with communication. As normal as this is in every marriage--it hit me at a time when I was already pissed off anyway. Now I have always been prepared to handle everything all the time because it has always been that way--but this week I realized--it has to stop. My cup isn't full anymore. I can say it is depression, I can say it's anxiety and maybe some of it is--but I am drained--there seems to be a lot of expectation required of me and no return on the investment. How do I fix this?
In pure bitterness and spite I convinced myself that I deserved time. Not handling everyone's schedule--but actually looking at my schedule and trying to break away from my "Real Housewives" obsession and give myself some actual "ME" time. I started looking for something that could fill my cup again. Something that was just for me. So I made a few phone calls.
A year ago I was in communication with a travel agency that was interested in training me to work under them. I was signed up for their class. I was excited--I was ready--and I freaked out and I bolted. So I called them back and begged them to reconsider....and they did.
I was so excited and I got all of this paperwork to fill out. Including business references, personal statements, a class schedule and I stepped back and I wanted to bolt AGAIN!!! I sat there and tried to convince myself that no one would ever give me a reference and personal statement? How am I going to put in positive words that I am an overweight housewife that has anxiety and depression..is pissed off at her family and is in desperate need of change? No way--I am not going to do this--I can't do this--I won't do this.
Just then my mentor for this new adventure called. And he talked to me for quite awhile. It is sad that I needed a person that I wouldn't know on the street tell me that yes--I DO have a lot of experience in the tourist industry--like a lifetime of experience. Going back to the days when I assisted my father as he worked with bus companies, or the travelling I have done throughout my lifetime both domestically and internationally. I have the knowledge--I have the passion, and I need to continue to learn and ask questions. I need to stop being afraid to fail. None of us walk into a job or a new career knowing everything and I really needed to hear that there are really no stupid questions when it comes to the travel industry.
On that note--I found two amazing women to write references for me and I have began writing my personal statement. I am now officially putting my professional profile together!!!! I begin classes Tuesday and I am so going to remind myself NOT to bolt on this again!!!
I love to watch "Iyanla Fix My Life" and one of the things she spoke about this week is what we have at the table when it comes to our lives. It's important we throw it all on the table, sort through it, and then clean off the table. Then we need to set the table, bring people to the table and proceed to break bread with them. Right now--I am just sorting and slowly cleaning off the table. It is emotional. It is sometimes unbearable. But I absolutely can wait to break bread with those sitting at the table in the end.
Until Next Week----Kristi
KRISTI SPILLS THE TEA
Last week I wrote about the United Methodist Church who would be discussing you know--the whole "gay thing" and to those who live under a rock were shocked when the church decided to no longer acknowledge gay people. Well--they will acknowledge them as long as they stay in the closet. No gay clergy, no gay marriage. But remember---Open Hearts, Open Minds and Open Doors. We just won't open closet doors.
To say I am disgusted in this would be an understatement. I belong to many Methodist Church Facebook Pages that are feeling the same way as I do. However--there is also the other side of this discussion and those that are happy about this decision have been very clear by saying--"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out--and take your gay friend with you."
I will stand by the Church splitting. I can't imagine being anything but a Methodist, I am a PROUD Methodist--but I am not a part of THIS Methodist Church. I would rather be judged by God for love than for hate and if that puts me in hell--well right now it is about -50 below wind chill factor--I could use the warmth.
God is love. It is sad that we can no longer see that.
Kristi
After writing about "The Wife" last week I was feeling pretty raw. This movie seemed to open up a lot of senses I have been ignoring for quite awhile. I began to pay attention to how I interact with people and really paid attention to how people interacted with me and it was quite eye opening.
I realized I was "talked at" instead of "talked to". I found that many told me about their day--but never asked me how my day was. I found that I was the scapegoat for a lot of issues that had really had nothing to do with me. I found that when I was talking--the person/people I was talking to were looking at their phone or watching TV. This was the majority of my week. Yes--I did have some great conversations but it seemed like a rarity.
By the end of the week I thought I should just stop talking all together. Would anyone seriously notice? I am sure they would still tell me about their day without asking about mine. I am sure the continuous blame for issues that I am not involved in would continue. Frankly--it kind of pissed me off.
The final straw for me this week is when my husband and I seemed to have had a disconnect with communication. As normal as this is in every marriage--it hit me at a time when I was already pissed off anyway. Now I have always been prepared to handle everything all the time because it has always been that way--but this week I realized--it has to stop. My cup isn't full anymore. I can say it is depression, I can say it's anxiety and maybe some of it is--but I am drained--there seems to be a lot of expectation required of me and no return on the investment. How do I fix this?
In pure bitterness and spite I convinced myself that I deserved time. Not handling everyone's schedule--but actually looking at my schedule and trying to break away from my "Real Housewives" obsession and give myself some actual "ME" time. I started looking for something that could fill my cup again. Something that was just for me. So I made a few phone calls.
A year ago I was in communication with a travel agency that was interested in training me to work under them. I was signed up for their class. I was excited--I was ready--and I freaked out and I bolted. So I called them back and begged them to reconsider....and they did.
I was so excited and I got all of this paperwork to fill out. Including business references, personal statements, a class schedule and I stepped back and I wanted to bolt AGAIN!!! I sat there and tried to convince myself that no one would ever give me a reference and personal statement? How am I going to put in positive words that I am an overweight housewife that has anxiety and depression..is pissed off at her family and is in desperate need of change? No way--I am not going to do this--I can't do this--I won't do this.
Just then my mentor for this new adventure called. And he talked to me for quite awhile. It is sad that I needed a person that I wouldn't know on the street tell me that yes--I DO have a lot of experience in the tourist industry--like a lifetime of experience. Going back to the days when I assisted my father as he worked with bus companies, or the travelling I have done throughout my lifetime both domestically and internationally. I have the knowledge--I have the passion, and I need to continue to learn and ask questions. I need to stop being afraid to fail. None of us walk into a job or a new career knowing everything and I really needed to hear that there are really no stupid questions when it comes to the travel industry.
On that note--I found two amazing women to write references for me and I have began writing my personal statement. I am now officially putting my professional profile together!!!! I begin classes Tuesday and I am so going to remind myself NOT to bolt on this again!!!
I love to watch "Iyanla Fix My Life" and one of the things she spoke about this week is what we have at the table when it comes to our lives. It's important we throw it all on the table, sort through it, and then clean off the table. Then we need to set the table, bring people to the table and proceed to break bread with them. Right now--I am just sorting and slowly cleaning off the table. It is emotional. It is sometimes unbearable. But I absolutely can wait to break bread with those sitting at the table in the end.
Until Next Week----Kristi
KRISTI SPILLS THE TEA
Last week I wrote about the United Methodist Church who would be discussing you know--the whole "gay thing" and to those who live under a rock were shocked when the church decided to no longer acknowledge gay people. Well--they will acknowledge them as long as they stay in the closet. No gay clergy, no gay marriage. But remember---Open Hearts, Open Minds and Open Doors. We just won't open closet doors.
To say I am disgusted in this would be an understatement. I belong to many Methodist Church Facebook Pages that are feeling the same way as I do. However--there is also the other side of this discussion and those that are happy about this decision have been very clear by saying--"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out--and take your gay friend with you."
I will stand by the Church splitting. I can't imagine being anything but a Methodist, I am a PROUD Methodist--but I am not a part of THIS Methodist Church. I would rather be judged by God for love than for hate and if that puts me in hell--well right now it is about -50 below wind chill factor--I could use the warmth.
God is love. It is sad that we can no longer see that.
Kristi
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