Family: Life Decisions Part One

A lot goes on in your mind when you are when the house is quiet. When your mind can no longer focus on the loss you begin to think about all of the other losses. Then you realize you need to step out and breathe in some new air.

This weekend I attended a football game in small town South Dakota. My nephew is a freshman football player and does not get a lot of play time but he was playing an hour away from my house so it would just be wrong not to go watch him and his team play.

My brother and sister in law were also at the game so it gave us all some time to catch up. I am not comfortable around my family at this time. I am the odd man out. Here is the story.

My half brother has been in trouble with the law his entire life. When no one was talking to him--I was talking to him. I accepted collect phone calls, sent him money and did what family does..I was there. He has a prisoner mentality and when life gets hard--he gets in trouble. So I told him if he continues that pattern I would have to step away from his life. And--he got in trouble. So I stepped away.

During this time my father's companion took it upon herself to get massively involved and we ended up in an argument and I told her to fuck off. This is a woman who has also had quite a past with my dad which includes maxing out his credit cards, having him arrested, and filing restraining orders. Of course those things are filed AFTER my father decides he doesn't want to pay for everything. Regardless--my father does not have a head injury and is fully aware of what he is doing and he just keeps giving her all the money she needs so they are going to be just fine...at least until he changes his mind.

Well--because I decided to tell this woman to fuck off I was somewhat put out of the family. Until I apologize to her I am out. Maybe if I gave her money? Credit card? Buy her a car? She is a woman based on compensation and well--I am not offering her jack squat. The apology will never happen.

Fifteen months go by and my brother tells me that my dad was missing me and trust me when I say my dad was my everything so I was missing him just as much. I traveled out of the country last fall and when you realize you are going to be on a plane for 20 hours you think about "tying up loose ends" when it comes to your life--so I called him. It was not a great conversation--BUT it was a conversation.

Since then my father and I have talked to each other about once every few months. I have had to take the initiative to call him. He did come to my daughters graduation, and my other daughter's wedding. But I could tell he was uncomfortable. Our phone calls consisted of simple talk about the weather, the kids. No depth. That is hard because we would talk for hours about life, politics, and comedians. 

While I was in travelling this summer my brother, my half brother, my half sister in law and my sister in law along with Dad's companion decided to have a retirement party for my father. To find this out while I was out of the country was heartbreaking (FYI--some of them KNEW I was going to be out of the country at that time) . My daughter lived just forty six miles away and she was not invited. I also have it on good authority by other friends of mine that attended the retirement party that I was talked about, down right bad mouthed by my dad's companion and my half sister in law. There has been no communication with either one of those women in over three years.

So what do I do with this? Love them or leave them? 

I recently attended an anniversary party for my Aunt and Uncle on my mothers side and I got confronted by my Uncle on something I did when I was 16 at his house. I had attitude, my parents were divorcing and I hated everyone. But you know what? I am 45 years old now and I could NOT convince my Uncle that I had changed.

My cousins...I kind of have a relationship with a few of them but for the most part they stay far away and well--I stay away as well. I can't help but believe they feel the way my Uncle does and I am just never going to change.

So what do I do with this? Love them or leave them?

I can sit here for days and think about what I can do to make all of this better--if I just bow to the sword everything will be OK. If I just love everyone and beg for forgiveness then maybe I can be embraced in their world. I miss that belonging. I miss that togetherness. Should I beg for forgiveness? Well here is the answer---

Fuck. No.

I am not willing to continue to live my life beating myself up because I was a bitchy teenager. I am not going to sit here and ask for forgiveness and watch my dad get sucked financially dry by his companion. I don't need to listen to one more story about how I was such a bitch when I was a teenager. Guess what? I didn't drink, sneak out of my house and fuck everyone that walked in high school...my attitude was a BLESSING to what I could have been.

So this message is for MY family. You want to be in my life--call me, message me, or text me. Just know I will NO LONGER feel defeated because of my past actions and I WILL NOT turn the other cheek when I see the wrong in what is going on NOW.

Until next time...Kristi