Family: Life Decisions Part Two
My goal during this time of quietness is to accomplish three things per day. Sometimes it is big projects, sometimes it is simple like getting in my walk. Being alone with your thoughts can be very difficult.
Before I go on I would like to say that my dog Penny who has been in our lives a little over 5 years learned many things from my Wiley. I don't think that I have had a day where I didn't cry. I truly feel when Wiley died I may have died a little too. The beauty of Penny is simple. When I cry--her head is in my lap--or her paw is on my knee, or she is laying at my feet. She was not trained to be a therapy dog by any means but her heart and her strength is felt everyday.
Today on my walk I started to revisit my past when it comes to my husbands side of the family. I think about all of the strain with my own family. And I turned around and married into a family where they are not siblings--they are heirs. I am not joking--when the farm sold it was not the siblings--it was the heirs.
I met my husband and after the second date I was pretty in love--what I didn't know is that for 20 years I would be judged, victim to numerous rumors, and treated like shit.
You see--I MARRIED him--have his brothers married? Hell no--but we did. So according to state law I can touch their stuff if it ever becomes my husbands and for that I must suffer everyday. And I have. For years I have been informed that I can't be trusted. To have my husband confess to me that even he isn't sure if I can be trusted if I "get land" and then saying that to me is forever implanted in my brain. It's not like I haven't handled everything when it comes to money, book work, assets, and you know--raised our kids too--but when it comes to land? I just can't be trusted.Well--that's a rant for a different day. Not only did his family decide NOT to get to know me--they chose not to really get to know my kids either.
When the farm sold (which I have blogged about earlier) I chose to no longer be in the lives of my husband's Aunts and Uncles. What I didn't know is that my in laws would choose NOT to be in mine. At first it didn't bother me. The behavior of my in laws during the farm sale was painful. To be in a spot where my future was being decided by my in laws is something I will never let go--and I am not sure I will forgive my husband for that either. What hurt most was and still continues to hurt is very little involvement with my our kids.
My Grandma Irene was a huge influence in my life. She taught me about antiques, appreciation for art, appreciation for reading, love of fashion. We would talk for hours on the phone. And I was so blessed to have her in my life. I wanted so much for my kids to have similar relationships and with each Grandmother living 15 miles apart I was excited for all of this closeness. (My Grandmother lived in Georgia--I would have given anything to have her 15 miles from me) Well--I was wrong.
After the farm estate was settled and I was informed (yes--informed) that I "could stay as long as I choose to" the communication kind of died when it came to the kids. Yes..they made the occasional appearances (remember--they are HEIRS) and I appreciated that. However over the last 2-3 years the absence has been very noticeable--even by the kids.
Did I mention I have a nephew. I just adore him. He is a real sports nut, athletic, sweet, kind and has won the hearts of his Grandparents. And then there was one--just one.
I had the opportunity to look at my Mother in Laws Facebook page and it is my nephews fan page. In the last six months our kids were mentioned three times...THREE and she posts daily about my nephew. Now I ask myself--should this upset me--well it sure as shit does!!!
This is what was missed in the last six months--
1. Our daughter graduated from high school with highest honors
2. Our daughter also received enough scholarships to pay for her first year of school and a little of her second year. Including a university scholarship!!!!
3. Our daughter toured Europe this summer singing in a choir and playing in a band
4. Our oldest daughter got married to the love of her life this summer
5. Our oldest daughter became a licensed insurance agent this summer
6. Our son was invited into one of the most prestigious engineering camps in the nation this summer
7. Our son was Homecoming King
8. Our daughter was in a car accident
9. Because of my son's ACT math score in math he doesn't even need to apply to the the most challenging university in our state--he is IN
10. Our youngest son is the nicest, sweetest, kindest kid on this earth.
When you show you have a favorite it is nothing more than abuse.
What should I do about this?
Should I go to their house and ask for forgiveness for marrying into the family? Should I prove to them in some way, some sacrifice that I am actually trustworthy? Should I divorce so that everyone can feel better that I can't touch their stuff?
The answer is Fuck NO.
The pure fact that I have been punished for loving my husband for this many years has been nothing but a front for protecting assets. While it's true I came from nothing--my husband also came from nothing. Yes--the HEIRS owned the land but when my husband began his farming career he had 40 head of cows and an old beat up pickup when I met him and he starting working his ass off while the HEIRS leached off of him. Scream cheap farm rent--he never had any money because to many people were in his pocket. And what did they do when their queen mother died--they did something that literally keeps them up at night for fear I might do the same thing--they fucking SOLD the land. 5th generation farm--SOLD to the highest bidder. So tell me again who the Gold Digger is--I am thinking it might just be the Heirs.
My husband and I had to start from scratch because his parents made more money renting the land to the highest bidder. We sold off all of the cows along with some equipment. Paid off our operating loans and started a trucking business. But when you ask his family what the family farm means to them they will say--it means the world. Well--who killed the family farm--THEY DID.
As I went for my walk today I thought about all of this and I thought about my anger at God right now. I mean--do I really need all of this family bullshit? Am I really that bad of a person? Should I just stop noticing what is going on? Should I just quit it all?
Truth is--I have had years to let go of what happened with the farm. But I still have moments. Sometimes I feel as if I should apologize because I just married the guy. But my kids--well I need to draw the line there. I hate favoritism. It is wrong.
What I am learning though all of this is that maybe I just keep putting myself around crappy people. Maybe it is time for me to take the crown and be the Queen.
Until next time...Kristi
Before I go on I would like to say that my dog Penny who has been in our lives a little over 5 years learned many things from my Wiley. I don't think that I have had a day where I didn't cry. I truly feel when Wiley died I may have died a little too. The beauty of Penny is simple. When I cry--her head is in my lap--or her paw is on my knee, or she is laying at my feet. She was not trained to be a therapy dog by any means but her heart and her strength is felt everyday.
Today on my walk I started to revisit my past when it comes to my husbands side of the family. I think about all of the strain with my own family. And I turned around and married into a family where they are not siblings--they are heirs. I am not joking--when the farm sold it was not the siblings--it was the heirs.
I met my husband and after the second date I was pretty in love--what I didn't know is that for 20 years I would be judged, victim to numerous rumors, and treated like shit.
You see--I MARRIED him--have his brothers married? Hell no--but we did. So according to state law I can touch their stuff if it ever becomes my husbands and for that I must suffer everyday. And I have. For years I have been informed that I can't be trusted. To have my husband confess to me that even he isn't sure if I can be trusted if I "get land" and then saying that to me is forever implanted in my brain. It's not like I haven't handled everything when it comes to money, book work, assets, and you know--raised our kids too--but when it comes to land? I just can't be trusted.Well--that's a rant for a different day. Not only did his family decide NOT to get to know me--they chose not to really get to know my kids either.
When the farm sold (which I have blogged about earlier) I chose to no longer be in the lives of my husband's Aunts and Uncles. What I didn't know is that my in laws would choose NOT to be in mine. At first it didn't bother me. The behavior of my in laws during the farm sale was painful. To be in a spot where my future was being decided by my in laws is something I will never let go--and I am not sure I will forgive my husband for that either. What hurt most was and still continues to hurt is very little involvement with my our kids.
My Grandma Irene was a huge influence in my life. She taught me about antiques, appreciation for art, appreciation for reading, love of fashion. We would talk for hours on the phone. And I was so blessed to have her in my life. I wanted so much for my kids to have similar relationships and with each Grandmother living 15 miles apart I was excited for all of this closeness. (My Grandmother lived in Georgia--I would have given anything to have her 15 miles from me) Well--I was wrong.
After the farm estate was settled and I was informed (yes--informed) that I "could stay as long as I choose to" the communication kind of died when it came to the kids. Yes..they made the occasional appearances (remember--they are HEIRS) and I appreciated that. However over the last 2-3 years the absence has been very noticeable--even by the kids.
Did I mention I have a nephew. I just adore him. He is a real sports nut, athletic, sweet, kind and has won the hearts of his Grandparents. And then there was one--just one.
I had the opportunity to look at my Mother in Laws Facebook page and it is my nephews fan page. In the last six months our kids were mentioned three times...THREE and she posts daily about my nephew. Now I ask myself--should this upset me--well it sure as shit does!!!
This is what was missed in the last six months--
1. Our daughter graduated from high school with highest honors
2. Our daughter also received enough scholarships to pay for her first year of school and a little of her second year. Including a university scholarship!!!!
3. Our daughter toured Europe this summer singing in a choir and playing in a band
4. Our oldest daughter got married to the love of her life this summer
5. Our oldest daughter became a licensed insurance agent this summer
6. Our son was invited into one of the most prestigious engineering camps in the nation this summer
7. Our son was Homecoming King
8. Our daughter was in a car accident
9. Because of my son's ACT math score in math he doesn't even need to apply to the the most challenging university in our state--he is IN
10. Our youngest son is the nicest, sweetest, kindest kid on this earth.
When you show you have a favorite it is nothing more than abuse.
What should I do about this?
Should I go to their house and ask for forgiveness for marrying into the family? Should I prove to them in some way, some sacrifice that I am actually trustworthy? Should I divorce so that everyone can feel better that I can't touch their stuff?
The answer is Fuck NO.
The pure fact that I have been punished for loving my husband for this many years has been nothing but a front for protecting assets. While it's true I came from nothing--my husband also came from nothing. Yes--the HEIRS owned the land but when my husband began his farming career he had 40 head of cows and an old beat up pickup when I met him and he starting working his ass off while the HEIRS leached off of him. Scream cheap farm rent--he never had any money because to many people were in his pocket. And what did they do when their queen mother died--they did something that literally keeps them up at night for fear I might do the same thing--they fucking SOLD the land. 5th generation farm--SOLD to the highest bidder. So tell me again who the Gold Digger is--I am thinking it might just be the Heirs.
My husband and I had to start from scratch because his parents made more money renting the land to the highest bidder. We sold off all of the cows along with some equipment. Paid off our operating loans and started a trucking business. But when you ask his family what the family farm means to them they will say--it means the world. Well--who killed the family farm--THEY DID.
As I went for my walk today I thought about all of this and I thought about my anger at God right now. I mean--do I really need all of this family bullshit? Am I really that bad of a person? Should I just stop noticing what is going on? Should I just quit it all?
Truth is--I have had years to let go of what happened with the farm. But I still have moments. Sometimes I feel as if I should apologize because I just married the guy. But my kids--well I need to draw the line there. I hate favoritism. It is wrong.
What I am learning though all of this is that maybe I just keep putting myself around crappy people. Maybe it is time for me to take the crown and be the Queen.
Until next time...Kristi
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