A FEW THINGS--JUNE 9 2021

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 According to my blog the last time I was on here was in March of 2021. So like most things I do-- I start out all excited and ready to dedicate myself and then it just kind of fizzles. In all honesty I have struggled with what I want to blog about, how much I want to blog, and is it worth it to blog.

My main purpose of blogging: I needed an outlet for all of the drama going on in my life. I wanted to talk about depression and anxiety because I didn't want anyone to feel like they were ever alone while fighting these battles. And I wanted to expose the assholes that were hurting me. Then things changed.

I got better. A lot better. I learned coping skills, I went on medication, I talked about the shit going on in my life, and I owned my part of the shit that was going on in my life. And then I took the biggest step of all and I went to a lawyer.

After fighting Covid-19 in December--yes I FOUGHT it and I still have lingering issues like headaches and brain fog in June. I actually decided that the fights I was fighting weren't really worth my time. With the big one being: trying to get people who didn't like me to like me. This included family, "friends" and acquaintances. I think when you start thinking about death--you realize the life you are living needs a change. Basically--Covid-19 saved me. 

I went to a lawyer--I had papers drawn for my husbands family. They were settlement papers. Those papers stated that if my husband inherits any land (IF) then I would never take possession--not through divorce and not through death. For 25 years--they chose not to get to know me-- because they were so worried about MY role when it came to their property and I gave them what they wanted. My husband has made sure I am taken care of for the rest of my life. I don't need the land--I never needed the land. It felt like I kind of divorced my husbands family--I guess in a way I did.

I moved on--I received my Certificate of Travel and Tourism from NYU. My husband and I had a hiccup when the reality set in that I settled with his family and got an education. And then--it got better. A. Lot. Better.

Our lives got better. We didn't seem to have lingering issues anymore. No one could really say I was a "gold digger" going after money and farmland. I think it might have been the first time my husband realized I actually just had a thing for him and not the land. Our finances improved. Our relationship improved. We found out we were going to be Grand Parents. We seem to really click and it is NICE. I should have had this settlement done before I married him. Because it was not a fun road-- not for me and definitely NOT for my kids. 

This morning I woke up groggy, stiff and sore and I realized that my anxiety has snuck up on me. You see--no matter how much therapy I have had, how many coping skills I have learned, how much medication I have taken. Parental Guilt will not go away. 

I feel terrible for what our kids had to endure. They all have anxiety issues, they all have trust issues. And I blame myself. Sure--some of this anxiety and depression may be genetic but in the long run--I blame myself on where my kids sit mental health wise. 

I have thrown all of my shit on the table for them. I have given my reasons for all of the decisions I made during the constant turmoil happening in the last 25 years. I have apologized, I felt I made the best decisions on what was thrown at me. But in the long run...My husband and I are solely responsible for the mental health of our kids and we failed on many levels.

So--how do I change my thoughts when it comes to parental guilt--I face the consequences. I own it. I feel generational trauma and ego are the two things that are destroying this world and I participated in generational trauma when it came to my kids. I did and my husband did. It has weighed on my heart. It is something I feel every single day. It is something that I can't fix. But I will own it. And I will face the consequences.

I hope as my husband and I continue walking on this positive path that we can ALL come together and improve our relationships. We are not in the business of going backwards--only forward. 

Until next time,

Kristi 


 


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