Rewire The Negative Brain.

 A FEW THINGS--

As I have said in previous blogs I believe generational trauma and ego are what's really wrong in this world. We have this notion that family is family and we just need to accept what was done, what was said, and just move on. I disagree. I believe if someone is toxic, they don't need to continue spreading that negativity onto me. And it took 47 years to figure that out. Therapy and depression meds included.

When I started this blog I needed an outlet to discuss all of the crap going on in my life. It was an amazing venting process for me and it also put me in touch with people who were going through similar situations and we all felt like we weren't alone. And it was good for my soul. Good to be around people who were misunderstood, who were mistreated souls. Not feeling alone is amazing when you feel alone.

In a previous blog I signed settlement papers with my husbands family. I signed off that I will never have access to their farmland in death or divorce. In simple terms if my husband dies or we divorce--I ain't getting the land. 

I made this decision--it wasn't like the family sat me down and demanded it--because that would be to easy. The fun of being "concerned" about my intentions and spending years and years implanting those concerns into those that I loved--and even those I didn't love was just more enjoyable. I mean--when I met my husband--I moved in after a month of dating--got pregnant five months later--married him 18 months later. So--I mean it wasn't like it was gonna last--

Living in his Grandma's house--with 40 head of cattle and a beat up pickup--it was absolutely evident that I wanted the family farm ground. It couldn't have been because I saw just saw how great he was--and was young and in love.

When I signed these papers I was pissed off. I just got over COVID-19. I was emotional over that experience. I was really sick and I thought about the "what if's" about death. I signed the papers in November and was planning to give these papers to my husband and his family as a Christmas gift--yes--the ultimate gift. But the family didn't get them until after the first of the year because COVID-19 was in my house most of the month of December. 

I was not pissed off at the fact that I made this decision--I was mad I made this decision so late. I was so hell bent on getting everyone to like me and it took 25 years to realize that the decision about me was made the day I walked down the aisle. And my image was established in the local town when I walked down the aisle. Gossip is fun. Gossip is great. Gossip is why the town will never grow.

It has now been six months since signing the papers and I don't think I have ever been happier. ALL of those amazing, wonderful things that helped establish that negative image given to me by the people is having a hard time standing. And the little hints of how I am just "here for the land" doesn't have much  strength anymore. This has made my marriage so much stronger...like I said--when you hear something enough--you start believing it. 

For the last few months I have been trying to change my negative brain. Those that brought on all of this mental madness had free space in my heart, my mind and my soul. And when the papers were signed--I decided it was time for the squatters to leave. And they have. I decide who is in my life now. 

I don't want to think about all of the negativity of the last 25 years. I instead want to be thankful for all this marriage has been. My husband is my best friend. We have the same humor, we have the same taste in most everything. I have never known anyone that can literally do anything. From flying planes to driving truck. He knows just enough about everything that he can do anything. ANYTHING. 

In looking back the last 25 years my mind tended to go straight to all of the rumors, gossip and mental madness but lately that has faded into the past and instead I think about what I have done--what WE have done and why shouldn't we be proud.

1. I have traveled America and the world (well a good portion of it)

2. The husband has a pilots license

3. We attended numerous NFL games (me more the husband-due to my love of Peyton Manning)

4. I completed my Fashion Merchandising Certificate 

5. I completed my Travel and Tourism Certificate

6. The husband built a successful trucking company

7. I ran a Greenhouse business for 20 years

8. We have 4 amazing children and a grand baby on the way.

9. We are amazing business partners.

10. Through it all--we are STILL together.

Retraining your negative brain is really hard. Negative is such an easy thing. There is no work to it. Being positive takes work. 

Last week my blog had the LOWEST number of readers since I started it and I wonder if it was due to the subject I was talking about. Love and Kindness. Because that shit is hard. You can tell it is by looking at the world around us.

I am still retraining my brain. And I am looking at what the negative brain has done to my health. What I have allowed it to do to my mental health and my physical health. 

I finally feel good mentally. It was a very long 5 years. But I FINALLY feel like I am going down a good path mentally. Little things aren't destroying me anymore. Although I fear failure--I am training my brain that there is no such thing as failure. And if someone doesn't like me because of something they heard about me--or they don't like my opinions--or how I stand on the issues. Well--good riddance. The toxic people are removed, I have faced my generational trauma, I have faced my parental guilt, and I am working on my ego. I feel good.

Physically I am a mess. I have high blood pressure, I am fat, I am a Type 2 Diabetic. I have some lingering issues from COVID-19. I have a few bad teeth that need some work. I need to get a mammogram and a pap smear. I basically need a tune up. So this is going to be my focus for the rest of the summer--beside all of my clutter clearing projects with all of the things I accumulated when I anxiety shopped during all of that depression. I shop and eat when I am stressed. Hence the attic being converted into a closet this summer. 

Spend the next week thinking positive thoughts. Read last weeks blog and do something good for someone else. Pay it forward. COVID-19 really opened my eyes about how short life is. So let's live a good life and spread that kindness everywhere.

Until Next Time--

Kristi