An Assortment Of Emotions

 A FEW THING--When you put it out in the universe that you are feeling really good mentally--well the higher power will say "hold my beer."

As I had said in last weeks blog I was really feeling good mentally but was hot mess physically. I decided to take my physical health more seriously and I started checking my blood sugars (I am a Type 2 Diabetic) three times a day...and not just when I randomly felt like checking them. I had a chart made  for my blood sugars, on whether or not I took my medicine, how much insulin. I also kept track of if I walked and if I drank water. (I am a HUGE Diet Coke drinker--I call it my Jesus Juice). If I had a high blood sugar I made note of what I ate (it is ALWAYS chocolate cake, hot fudge sundaes or brownies by the way). I also experimented with protein shakes, detox teas and changing my overall eating habits. It has been going on for over a week--and I believe I have officially turned this into a healthy habit. I am like--seriously proud of myself. I am a terrible patient--especially when I was struggling mentally--now--I feel worthy of good health.

We didn't do anything over the 4th of July. It was to dry to shoot fireworks and it was over 100 degrees outside. Running a greenhouse business for over 20 years I ended up having some heat exhaustion. And my reaction to heat has never been the same. My husbands air conditioner went out in his truck while hauling fertilizer during this unusual excessive June heat and I believe he had some heat exhaustion as well. But--I doubt he will ever admit to it. The air conditioner is now fixed in the truck.

I miss water--I miss swimming--I am a mermaid at heart. I was scrolling through Amazon and was thinking about ordering a little inflatable pool and just sitting in it. I might have to fight my geese and ducks from making it their pond but I could be in some cold water without getting into my car and going somewhere. While scrolling through Amazon-- I also put a 2600.00 pool on my Amazon wish list for anyone that would like to purchase it for me. 

Anyways--I was just about sold on the idea of an inflatable pool and I get a text from a family member letting me know that my dad was going through some personal stuff and maybe I could give him a call. My dad and I haven't spoken for over two years maybe even three years. Like I said--the higher power said "hold my beer."

My first instinct was to call. Then I took a deep breath. And I stepped back before making a decision.

There is nothing mentally wrong with my dad. He is completely aware of what he is doing and the decisions he was making. I got into a fight with his "companion" about something going on with my half brother and I told my dad's "companion" politely to fuck off. She was not family so her input was really not needed. Looking back--I should have been a little more level headed but I was familiar with this woman's work and wasn't really thrilled she was back in my father's life. My dad informed me that if I didn't work things out with his "companion" then I couldn't be in his life. I do not know if this was his decision or a demand from his "companion" so I challenged him on it. Because I don't believe any parent should give up their kids or their grandkids for a "companion" but he did. He was in and out of our lives the first year after I refused to give in to his or his "companion's" demands. He DID attend my daughters wedding--alone. But after that--he was not involved in any of our lives. And we moved on. It hurt--but my dad just fell into the "toxic" family category and he was handled through therapy. 

As I was talking to my husband about this--there is this "guilt" that came over me. Like--am I expecting to much out of the immediate family? And the answer is no. We are the children, the grandchildren, the nieces and the nephews of these men and women. There is nothing wrong with expecting involvement and having a consistent relationship with blood relatives. There is nothing wrong with WANTING that. It should come natural. But it sure as hell doesn't come natural with these fucked up families. There are people in this family--and when I say family that includes both my family and my husbands family-- who should be involved in my future grandchild's life that are NOT going to be. And that is painful for me. And I doubt it is very painful for THEM. That is what is fucked up. The idea of a perfect family just isn't there. And it sucks. I am so jealous of seeing others with their families. And they are HAPPY. We will never have that. We have so much generational trauma, family secrets, narcissism, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and manipulation all wrapped up in a pretty bow of fakeness. And I feel the guilt because I want that perfect family--I have always wanted it. But I am no longer willing to be in the dysfunction of it all to have it. I have to accept that--yes--I have relatives--but I have a very small family.

My kids are always telling me that I shouldn't beat myself up over the actions of others. It angers me that they only have one active Grandparent. It angers me that there are so many relatives not in my children's lives. But it also comforts me that they are not being exposed to all of the dysfunction. And I agree I need to stop with that guilt and change the mind set. Because if my daughter and I were not getting along it would never stop me from being in my future grandchild's life. Never. Maybe I should start looking at this as breaking chains verses feeling the guilt. A work in progress.

For those wondering IF I called my father. I did not. I did text him and told him that I had heard he was having some personal issues and I gave him my numbers if he wanted to give me a call. As I write this--he has not called. I would absolutely LOVE to get things straightened out with my dad. He was my best friend for years. I can speak in front of a million people and not even flinch and he taught me that. I can sell anything and he taught me that too. I am in the Tourism industry because that is what he did for years. My father is a big part of who I am as a person. But--when it comes down to it--he tossed me to the side and didn't flinch doing it. And for a "companion" that never had good intentions. She has been pulling the same stunts for over 20 years. Dad was the only one that didn't notice. 

On a positive note--I have now purchased a travel blog. It is under construction. I really want to stop the compulsive scrolling on social media and use my brain for something else. I am also reading a wonderful book series about a British Couple that retires to a small village in Greece--the book series is called "Bucket To Greece". For those that know me--Greece is my passion. I love the people, the culture, the food and the beauty. This series of books have really swept me away. It has been a pretty nice little social media detox.

I hope that you have an amazing, healthy week. I am going to continue making good, healthy choices. Checking my blood sugars 3 times a day...trying NOT to sleep in to get a nice walk in the morning before it gets to hot. And I will be making medical and dental appointment this week. Despite the higher power challenging me--I am just going to keep moving forward and focus on my mental and physical health.

Until Next Time--

Kristi