My Much Needed Break--Celebrations

 A FEW THINGS--

***note from last week's blog--I received a number of messages wondering if my daughter and I wore masks at the motorcycle rally and the answer is yes. And I think we were the only two that did.***

During my much needed social media break--my mother turned 70 years young. It is difficult for me to grasp this because I don't really want her to age. It really puts life in perspective. 

I love to watch old episodes of "Roseanne" and the episode where Roseanne's mom decides to get an assisted living type of apartment and Roseanne is struggling with the decision. And the scene where Roseanne says something along the line of "you are old and you're bringing me down with you." kept coming to mind as we were celebrating my mom's birthday. The reality is--we are all getting older. 

There are two major fears in life--talking in front of people and dying. I can talk in front of a million people and not flinch. So I guess my fear is dying. After having the madness of COVID-19 death has come to my mind a lot. You see--I don't want to die. I don't want my friends to die and I don't want my family to die. We are all getting older and I really freaking hate it. There is just to much work to be done and to many memories that need to be made. It isn't fair that we have to eventually leave this earth. No matter how messed up this world is--this is it--this is where we make it matter. One shot--and sometimes I feel I didn't take that shot--not the way I wanted to anyways. Ok--I will move on.

As I was saying my mom turned 70 and of course we had to celebrate! My family and a few of mom's friends and my Stepdad all met at a restaurant. We were having an amazing time and an "uninvited" relative shows up. Now--maybe my Stepdad invited the relative. I don't know--but none of us were happy this person was there except maybe my Stepdad--because this person has caused a lot of pain. A. Lot. Of. Pain.

But we moved on with the celebration. My husband was carrying on a conversation with my Stepdad about the price of hay (there is a shortage--due to the drought). We also did not have a great year of hay production. We have just enough to feed our daughters' old 4H horse through the winter. Nothing leaves our house. I am not a farm--we bring something home--it is there for life. Not the way my husband grew up in any way, shape or form and I love him for respecting my nursing home for pets. But the horse served my daughter--she had a senior picture done with him. He is a special horse to her. And in all honesty we bought Abner when he was already kind of old--I am shocked he is this healthy for being as old as he is. I won't sell him for glue--I just won't. 

Anyways--my husband was talking about how we have $2000.00 worth of hay for an elderly horse. And the relative said "There are ways to work around that." And I told this relative that no one asked her for her opinion. The first thoughts that came to my mind is that this relative was dropping the hint of just shooting the horse. It didn't set well. Not at all.

It is profound to me that this person doesn't feel any remorse for all of the damage she caused. Not only to me--but to my husband--to my brother in law--my children. Spreading rumors is like a Tuesday for her. And I look at this person sitting across from people she has spread rumors about having a drink like it is no big deal triggered the hell out of me. Because of her-- I lost friends--and found out who my true friends were--I lost my reputation--I lost my best friend---my kids struggled and it was just a Tuesday for her. That is pain. There is no other word to describe it. 

I learned something. I was triggered-- I was pissed off for two straight days after the celebration and the comment this relative made. And I really thought I was over all the pain. All of that therapy---was it out the window? So I had to figure out why this bitch sat in my brain for two days rent free. What did she have that I wanted?  Besides the anger of her feeling absolutely NO REMORSE-- there it was--she has community. 

I don't have that sense of community. I don't fit in. I don't know who to trust. This relative has a lot of people around her. Supporting her, gossiping with her, laughing with her. I am jealous. I hate saying that but I am. As much as I love my small circle of friends--I sometimes get lonely. I was meant to be a part of a community and I am not.  And then I thought--why in the hell am I jealous? Look at what was done.

It was to easy for the community to believe these rumors. It was way to easy. And I can't let that go. I am not meant to be a part of this community. I could try--but in the long run--another rumor would fly--or I would say something "wrong" and I would feel like an outcast again. This isn't my community and it hurts. 25 years in--it hurts. I just live here. And I really had to embrace that. And I did. I hold on to when the time comes and when the opportunity opens up and I can help out--I will jump in. I will go where I am called. 

That is the end of that story.

This wasn't the only celebration--my daughter and her husband finally announced that they are having a baby boy. The blessings continue.

And finally--my youngest son got to experience an actual 4-H Achievement Days. When he first signed up for 4-H I was still struggling with anxiety so he never had the experience he should have had. And then COVID-19 hit and we didn't have an Achievement Days. So this year--4 years into 4-H he had his first true Achievement Day Experience. And he did well. He received Grand Champion Rabbit, Grand Champion Reserve Rabbit and he received a Best of Show (Junior) for Home Environment. He was able to do interview judging and all in all it was a great experience. 

To clear up a few things--Conner is in 4-H in another county. At one time our local 4-H was considering combining with a town that was a good hour away from my house so we transferred to a closer county. Well combining the two towns didn't happen.  I have asked my son numerous times if he wants to go back to our local 4-H. About half of his class is in 4-H it could be a lot of fun being with his friends and he has said that he doesn't want to at this time. So there is that.

Conner was also able to participate in a international virtual series through States' 4-H International Exchange Programs. He participated in countries all over the world. He had a culture lesson, a craft lesson, a language lesson and was able to interact with people from other countries. I had a blast learning this with him.

Conner also participated in the Pen Pal Program through the States' 4-H International Exchange Programs. He had a Pen Pal from Argentina and also from Korea. It was definitely a learning experience for him. Who knows maybe he will be an Ambassador to those countries. 

As I get older I need to look a little more at my blessings and a little less at what others are saying or have said. I have a husband that I just adore. We have been through the ringer and neither one of us handled ourselves very well in some of those situations. And now that we are over that hill--we can smile more. I am so lucky to be the mom of our amazing kids. I am so blessed to have my circle of friends that I can trust and they can trust me. That is my community. 

***I learned that when you are an emotional triggered mess--you should avoid voicing that on social media. But for those that saw my triggered mess I thank you for your support. It means a lot. I am not sure the pain will ever really go away--because I wonder everyday--if those rumors wouldn't have started what would have been. Could I have made positive impact on the community? How would I be self-esteem wise? Would I have felt a little more worthy? Would I have been a better wife? Mother? It was a lot of emotional damage. And it wasn't just the rumors--those rumors help build a foundation of  judgement. And it was supported by other family members. I think it was encouraged with a few preferably from my narcissistic abuser. Narcissists need flying monkeys and this worked well. It angers me that I couldn't win this. 

I was going to initially publish the "receipts" to show the proof I had of this person being the source of the 4 particular rumors that almost killed me. But chose not to open old wounds. People will eventually see for themselves who and what she is. But then again--people are taking horse wormer for a COVID-19 cure. So maybe it won't happen. 

I would like to thank my husband who heard my tears on the phone yesterday while he was driving truck this and he called back after a required stop and talked to me for an hour. It took a long time to build this. And I need to train my brain to enjoy what is in front of me today. We are no longer a foundation built on sand and judgement. We are a castle made of stone. And I love that. I also hang on to hope that Karma that will circle back and give those that hurt me their just desserts. ***

***I would also thank my husband, my mom and my youngest daughter for being around this morning when I had another little set back. This has been a somewhat emotional week for me. I have just hit the wall with anxiety***

Until Next Time--

Kristi