My Much Needed Break--Health

 A FEW THINGS--

When you are mentally struggling you really don't give a shit about your physical or spiritual well being. And self care--yeah--not happening.

I have had issues with anxiety most of my life--and around this time of year my anxiety is overflowing. I will over react to everything. I will cry constantly at commercials and TV shows. I will sit in my own paranoia for days. It is really not fun.

Yes--I have had therapy and yes--I am on meds but sometimes when something traumatic in the past happens- your body, your mind and your soul relives it. And it sucks. For me it was this: Please keep in mind--this was I observed during this time, this is what I experienced during this time. This is what comes back to me every year at this time. This is why--my settlement was so easy to sign. This was posted on August 26th on my social media--for a brief moment.

So...my anxiety is killing me. And has since around the first week of August. I definitely know I was triggered by a few events. But this anxiety is lingering.

And it occurred to me that we are coming up on the anniversary of my husband's Grandmother's farm being sold.

The family stance on the selling of the grandmother's farm was "it was complicated for everyone" (This was said this during a Bible study class by my mother in law. We were both taking the class and THAT did not set well with me)

THAT is simply NOT TRUE...my mother in law and her siblings either got land or money. My husband lost his livelihood of farming not one but two family farms and because we were living in his grandmother's house-- I FEEL that my mother in law used us as a Trump card to get this land for herself. Smart business move--but extremely painful for us to be in that position. And if she didn't win...well we would be homeless and we would just have to "figure it out" at that time. That my friends was the plan. Two days--maybe three-- before the sale she won her case. And we were able to continue to stay...under her ownership.

It wasn't "complicated" for us. It DESTROYED us. It destroyed my faith in family--it destroyed me mentally--it rocked my faith in my husband--because he should have taken a better stand on what was happening with HIS family. Looking back we maybe should have just moved out and moved on--it's not like we were farming anymore--it's not like EVERYTHING wasn't already stripped from our lives--and well--there was the possibility of homelessness with four children--like--get out while we can. To have someone have that kind of power--making decisions and playing my family (my opinion) caused so much anxiety for me and launched what seems like a lifetime of healing.

To watch that dynamic unfold between my husband and his parents was painful for me. And it took years to sort out. It just wasn't something that could be swept away. What happened to us was a BIG deal--and I hate that so many act like it was just a Thursday.

This sale was about 10 years ago? Maybe 7? Not sure. But I physically feel this stress around this time every year. And I'm not sure how to sort through it. But I need to. Because I can't continue to relive the past--it is just to much.

Frozen with anxiety I forced myself to think about what has become of this--when it comes to my family. No longer farming--we still had farm debt. And with no farming--the farm debt was quite high. Which brought on more strain in the marriage. But you know what--my husband worked his ASS off and paid it off. We started a trucking business and it is really working out for us. My kids are healing--I am healing. And I signed a settlement with his family--willingly and wanting to--because I will never forget what happened. I forgave--but I won't ever be blindsided like that again and I am making sure that my husband will never be put in a position like that again. Deciding to focus on what happened as a result of the pain verses the cause of the pain really helped a lot with calming my anxiety down. I have my own predictions on what will happen with the farm and the land--just looking from the outside in. But it feels really good--knowing that I won't be a part of it. It is not my circus. I have my own circus.

On a side note--we live in a house that we don't have to pay for. I AM thankful for that. But because my husband is not the owner of this home--we won't do any updates--we have just done some botox. It would just be financially stupid to put money into something that doesn't belong to him. I have some love for this house--I am not going to lie. I raised my kids here--this was my husbands grandmothers house--there are a lot of memories in this house. You can literally feel the past in this house. It really is a beautiful thought to be the 3rd or 4th generation in this home--it's just to bad so much gunk surrounded that.

If you haven't seen me in awhile--let me catch you up--I am fat. And I don't know why. I LOVE to walk--I play Pokemon Go and I walk 5-10km a week hatching eggs. Walking is such a stress relief for me. But I have not lost hardly any weight. (I have lost 30 pounds since 2013). Yay--but seriously--that's it?

So I have hired someone to work with me on getting healthy. The first week was just about tracking food--and what I found was--I eat enough for me--my husband--my children--the neighbors and possibly the entire community. I have a portion control problem. I also found out that I hardly drink water. It was quite eye opening. Oh--and I like pie.

My sleep schedule is ok--my exercise schedule is ok--could use some tweeking. I am very determined to balance all of this out. And I want to do this for my husband and my family. We ALL could eat a little healthier. So I am looking forward to this new adventure. I just have to remember I am an emotional eater so--I need to remind myself to put ice cream in a bowl verses just grabbing a spoon--and eating right out of the carton. Or having a half a cheesecake because my anxiety is high.

I have worked so hard on my mental health and I am so proud of what I have accomplished when it comes to my mental health--it is time to balance the rest of this.

I have an appointment with a new diabetic doctor the day after I get back from the State Fair--terrible timing because you can eat everything on a stick at the Fair. But--I need to face the music and get this under control. And start looking at this illness in a different light. I also have my first dentist appointment set up for October. I ignored my teeth while taking care of my kids teeth and I am going to pay for it. The only thing left is to set up a mammogram and a pap smear--yes--I talk about those openly and I think that will put me back on track. I really need to grasp--that I matter. My health matters. And that is what I am trying to do.

I have also walked back into a spiritual journey. I have really enjoyed tuning in Sunday morning to my good friend and really thinking about Christianity in an entirely different way. Kind of a rebellious way. It has helped my soul.

And let's not forget--self care. I have done facial masks, lip masks, hair masks. Good grief-- so many masks--but I have to say--once the habit has started--it is kind of relaxing.

Until Next Time--

Kristi