Sorting Out God and Anxiety

-

 A FEW THINGS--

"I promise you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years of it to abuse, mental illness, or trauma."

From August though October--my anxiety is high. Through the past 12 years everything traumatic that happened in my family happened in these three months. Farm selling, possible homelessness, outside family making promises and not keeping them, our dog dying, pregnancy issues, and literally starting from scratch with 4 kids are just a small portion of what was going on. Some of these things happened 12 years ago, 11 years ago, 7 years ago and even 2 years ago. That trauma stays with you. No matter how much therapy you get, how much medication you take. It stays. It is haunting. It fucks with you. 

To say I am pissed we went through ALL of this is an understatement. I want revenge. I want pay back. I want those that hurt me and my family to suffer terribly. Maybe I will feel better. Maybe I won't. That's just how I feel around this time of year.

I would like to tell you about my friend Mike. I was at a thrift store looking through the book section and I found a book called "I Hate Religion" by this guy named Mike. I was considering leaving my church at the time and well--this book was calling my name. I was considering leaving the church because God didn't seem to really exist within the walls of this church--and I KNEW some of the members and what they were like---after Sunday worship. And frankly--I was not happy with God--I can honestly say that. I have voiced my opinion many times to God on issues I was having with not only my family and the toxic relatives I was dealing with but what was going on in the world as a whole. GOD has the power--he is doing nothing. NOTHING. That is where I was at when I left the church and so I bought this book. PS--not ONE member asked me to come back. SO--they must have been ready for me to leave.

I read this book in like an hour. Could NOT put it down. Everything I was feeling about the church and what our true purpose is as Christians was in this book. So much so--that I searched this man down on social media. And after going through a few channels and a few emails-- I found him. And we became friends. I think that this is just how God works sometimes.

I am angry that I was dealt this hand. I am angry at the hand I was dealt the last 47 years. I am angry that my kids were dealt this hand. I am angry my husband was dealt this hand. I am angry that what happened in the last 12 years is STILL affecting us today. I am angry that those that hurt us won't even ACKNOWLEDGE IT. I am angry at so many people that sometimes I feel like I don't want ANYONE in my life anymore. I think that this is just how Anxiety works sometimes.

So what does this have to do with my friend Mike? This quote: "Look at how much progress you've been making. Imagine how you will feel in 6 months, a year. I am proud of you, overcoming adversity."

"I am proud of you" sometimes you need to say it--and sometimes you need to hear it. And I heard that at the right time. 

We HAVE come a long way. Looking back--we as a family have come a long way. And I need to start giving us some credit for that. When we have a mental set back from something that happened in the past we need to look at it as a set back and not as an opportunity to give in. 

I am working things out with God. I am not afraid to swear a little bit in my prayers. I need to stop giving a shit about things I can't control--and stop focusing on the people who I disagree with. We have all made up our minds on our political thoughts, our thoughts on God, our thoughts on the pandemic, our thoughts on the vaccine, our thoughts on social issues, our thoughts on equal rights, and our thoughts on news sources we think are legit. We have chosen our political parties and we truly believe they care about us. Which is the biggest bunch of bullshit...and that statement is for BOTH parties. That is where we are right now--and will most likely be in this position for years to come. And as much as I want God to fix it--he wants US to fix it. Unfortunately we aren't there yet. Not sure we will ever be there in my lifetime to be honest. 

The Great Betty White said--we need to take care of the circle around us. I think I will work on that for awhile.


Until Next Time--

Kristi

   


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pivot

-
 A FEW THINGS-- I am in the process of reading a book called "Pivot." I have to admit all I could think of is that episode of "Friends" where Ross is screaming "Pivot" while moving a couch. Unfortunately this book had nothing to do with proper ways to move a couch upstairs.  I have read my share of self help books. Some I have absolutely loved, and some I have hated. This book just about put me back in therapy. It shouldn't have--but it did. This book is a five week course that explores the Pivot concept. 1. Perspective 2. Intuition  3. Vision 4. Obstacles  5. Tactics. I would be lying if I told you I completed this book in five weeks. I am still on week 2. As week 1. threw me so hard that I needed a quick mental tweaking.  Week 1 dealt with core values. What do I stand for? Now I have done Core Value activities before. Only I lied to myself when I had the results--because I didn't like the results. I will get to that in a moment. So I did the core...
Read more

Sticking With The New Changes

-
 A FEW THINGS-- Well--how did everyone's New Years Resolutions go? I was about 50/50. Which for those that know me--I half ass everything before I put my entire ass into it! I tend to get distracted with so many things. Murder shows, end of the year clearance sales, oh you want to drive 50 miles for cheese curds--let's do it. That is my life. It has been like this since I had kids.  And--my husband is home. The weather in North Dakota has been terrible this year. So he has been home every night. Yes--I love that he has been home don't get me wrong. But I tend to want to spend my time with him versus focusing on my focus.  Did I make enough excuses? I think I did. The highlight of January was my oldest daughter, her husband and my grandson came home. My oldest son was also here. My husband being home just added to the fun of having a full house. I was just missing my second oldest daughter. I have goals that we will all be home at the same time someday. My youngest son got...
Read more

New Changes for 2022

-
 A FEW THINGS-- Welcome to 2022--I am still trying to deal with 2019-2020 and 2021 and here we are in 2022. The good news is--it is 2022. We are still breathing and moving and loving and living. So we are off to a great start right? The highlight of my 2021 year was becoming a Grandmother. That blessing had me rethink my life, my health, my career and my friendships. I spent a lot of time in November and December having diabetic appointments, getting my teeth fixed, having a mammogram and getting a physical. I have not had a pap smear in about 8 years and this was NOT smart. Although I have had a hysterectomy it was a different type of a hysterectomy that they no longer do. Because of that I still need to have a pap smear every 3 years.  In all honesty--after 3 years of not having one done I decided I just didn't WANT to know if something was wrong. Blind faith and stupidity. Side note: my new OBGYN is amazing and really did a great job helping me sort through all of my concer...
Read more