It Has Been Awhile

 A FEW THINGS--

What I have learned from life so far is that for every inch of sadness lies a foot of happiness ahead. I've learned that the simplest of times brings the grandest of pleasures and the the hardest goodbyes often lead to the best hellos. I've learned that crazy chances guide us to unexpected discoveries and that the tough times unveil the sincerity in people. I've learned that you have to hold onto your smile everyday and free yourself of that frown. 

I haven't been one here for over a month. I really didn't like the way my last blog turned out and realized that my anxiety was just to high to be able to come across the way I wanted to--so I took a little breather. 

Every year I have dealt with an overwhelming amount of anxiety from Mid-August to Mid October. So much trauma and family issues happened during this time throughout the years and no matter what kind of therapy I have had or how long. My body and my mind just don't handle those 90 days very well. And that kind of pissed me off.

So I decided to confront those that have put me through so much. Was it my idea--yes. I decided enough was enough and if I was going to be the subject at the table--I should be there to answer the questions. So I sat at the table. After 7 years of literally minimal to no contact-- I sat at the table. And I realized that the people that have worked so hard to hurt me--were really nothing. Quite small actually.

If you are an Adam Sandler fan--he did a movie called "The Waterboy" not my favorite--but I tend to watch it if it is on. Anyways--the scene where the coach of the team finally looks at the other coach on the other side of the football field who has spent years intimidating him and all that coach saw was a baby laughing--and all of that fear went away and he finally won the game--that was me--sitting at that table. I realized how much I have grown--and how much they have not. They are no different than they were years ago. I realized that I changed--and I no longer needed to deal with ALL of that anxiety.

I sat at the table a SECOND day--this time--everyone was a little quieter-- I think they were shocked I decided to grace them with my presence again--but I wasn't quiet--at all. I made sure I had a good time. It was so freeing. My son commented that I was the best fakest person ever. I wasn't sure if I should take that as a compliment--but I did. He said--"you didn't even flinch." What-- do you think they would behave when a child is in the room? I. Never. Flinched.

It has been quite awhile--and I have not woke up one time with anxiety. Not. One. Time. My shoulders have relaxed, my focus has changed. Which triggered the next change. My friends.

After talking about my new found freedom from anxiety with my daughters I realized I needed to look at my friendships and decide to really look at what is going on with some of my friends. And I realized that if I have to question whether we are friends--then we aren't friends. End of story.

I have spent the last twenty plus years in this community--and it just hurts to much to be a part of the community anymore. I constantly have to watch what I say and do. I never really know what others believe when it comes to me due to all of the fun things that have been said about me. I realized that it was the SAME anxiety. My husband always says I am a "transplant" to the community so I will never truly be a member of the community--so screw it. I don't need to be part of the community then. I can put my time into projects I really care about. I can just be a parent of a child that goes to school IN that town. And that is now--my new title. A mom--who's kid goes to school here.

My husband though--has a successful business through the community. There is not one person in that community that would ever say that he wasn't reliable, a hard worker, and kind. Because he is all three. He will do anything for anyone. So I made an easy decision.

With that being said--I have decided to start the process of  removing myself from the noise. Yes--I am sorting through my social media. I know that I will never win this game--and I have decided to forfeit. Will I regret this decision--nope. I never want noise about me to tarnish my husband or his reputation--so I am walking away. That is all. End of Story.

Next week begins a new type of schedule for me. I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself I have neglected my summer projects (they are somewhat completed)...so I need to get those under my belt because... January 2022--everything launches. It is time to put my feet on the ground and turn all of these ideas into a reality.

Until Next Time

Kristi