The Negative Of December

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A FEW THINGS--

December has always been difficult. I can count on one hand the times where I actually enjoyed Christmas. When my parents are in a toxic marriage that ended up leading to divorce Christmas became a complete waste of time for me. Attending "family" holidays with toxic family members as a teenager just sucked canal water. I guess I had an attitude because a few years ago my Uncle reminded me of what a terrible person I was during that time--30+ years ago. I wanted to tell him to fuck off--but instead I just agreed, acted like a good adult and moved on. PS I made a 4 hour trip to his house to celebrate a milestone of his so he could tell me what a horrible person I was. That was my cue to maybe separate myself from toxic family members. 

I would say my favorite Christmas memories were with my Aunt Janet and Uncle Don. In a way--that is the family I want MY family to be now. I don't think I have ever met a couple with such a strong, loving bond and such a partnership as these two did. I think it was really the only family I had a model of what a real family was. And that is the goal I am trying to achieve today. 

After already having a bad taste in my mouth about Christmas. I married into a family that literally KILLED my spirit of Christmas. Not because they were toxic--well some were--but there were SO MANY events. I not only had my parents, who were divorced. I had my husbands family, his Grandmother, and then MY own kids. One year my husband and I had so many events with family that we didn't celebrate our OWN Christmas until the 28th. And when I decided to put some boundaries up because I wanted MY time with MY family--well it just opened up the door for more anger towards me. So Christmas just kind of sucks for me.

There are other emotional factors going on in December for me with the first being my anniversary of considering suicide. Six years ago on December 1st I thought about suicide--thought about it enough where someone saw the red flags and he stepped up and helped me get help. I am truly thankful for that help--but that emptiness shows up every year. The memories of feeling worthless and being treated like a nuisance sit there in my mind and my heart. It is a trauma that runs deep. 

Last year my husband brought COVID-19 into our house and I found that while COVID-19 looks fine on others--it sure as hell didn't look good on me. And I kind of looked at deaths door again. And one does not just shake off what I went through with COVID-19 so it is another big emotional factor for me in December.

My older kids all work. They can't just drop everything and come home. So I feel I am back at the December events again--and I just dislike that so much. And I am sitting here with a 12 year old boy and I am lacking in the spirit of Christmas because everyone is on a different schedule. I haven't put up a tree yet. I just don't really want to. I mean--I had a daughter in December so I always put the tree up after her birthday but my mood is just not there this year.  

So how do I come out of this funk. I am not sure. My son says he doesn't care if I put up a tree or not--he just wants to spend his vacation driving from one end of the state to the other to spend time with his siblings. But--I realized I am going to put the same bad taste in his mouth as I had in mine growing up and I don't want to do that. 

I don't need to celebrate Christmas with my family on Christmas--I understand how work--works. So my goal is to hopefully find a weekend where everyone can come home to celebrate. Start New Traditions. I can do this after Christmas--I can do this before Christmas. It is time for me to take this toxic out of the Holidays.

I also need to start training my brain to be a little more on the positive side. I fell in love with my husband in December, I gave birth to my daughter in December, I survived a very deep depression in December, and I survived COVID-19 in December. And most recently--on December 1st I became a Grandma to a wonderful little boy. (Tell me about God's timing--how amazing how HE flipped that dark December 1st for me). 

I am not sure if anyone else struggles through December like I do. If you do--please know that you aren't alone. For some Christmas is tough and we can acknowledge it. Baby steps. 

Let us count our blessings and enjoy what we have. 

A new season is upon us and so are new traditions!

Until next time--

Kristi 


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